For fifteen years I wrote a weekly column for Uganda's leading newspaper. Before, and even during that, I wrote others, for the same company. Then I retired, under the impression that I would stop writing columns. But I now write two. This blog is where I write things that don't have to be vetted by editors. If you like anything, please, share somewhere. Don't make me jealous of Bikozulu. I want to continue loving him.
I was a professional writer for twenty years. That’s a long time.
If you are a “lit”, “swaggerific” youth, bathing in all the glory and àdulation my current occupation smothers you with (wait. Hold that point. I am going to take one of many parenthetical breaks. I write like that now. In short bursts for short attentions. That is to say, I write ads now. It’s deep slumming, miles beneath me. My talents are a hawk with a shovel digging a tunnel underneath the rift valley. Time and my own lack of foresight clipped my wings. I an old man. A dull head among windy spaces. )
But for twenty years I was a wonder in full flight, from sky to sky, airborne and loving it as much as my readers did, because I was very very very good.
Twenty years is a long time. To be young is to lack perspective so you need my help to understand this. If you are in your twenties you need to understand how long twenty years is.
When you slipped out of a fallopian tube the night the other constituent parts of you shot out of a pair of testes, I was already out there typing for money.
While you gestated, curled up and asleep, formed a tail then reabsorbed it, when you chose which genes to keep and which to abandon — your father gave you a strong will, your mother a mild and timid demeanor and you picked one and dispatched the other– when you were doing this, I was already out there typing for money.
After you were finally born, while you spent that first year doing nothing but crying and crapping at the most inconvenient moments and driving your poor mother crazy, I spent the whole time with my fingers gliding over keyboards, making words dance.
You learned to walk and started doing it, shakily and badly, falling over often, while I was clicking save and send. You were in shorts and socks the same colour as everyone else in the school when I was spinning spiels of stories out of nothing but my neuroses, the sunlight, and spiderwebs.
When you finally learned how to read, I was already there to be read, my face a cartoon, my name a bold marquee on my own page in the best selling newspaper magazine in the land.
When you were pissing the bed in boarding school, when you broke your voice or had your first period, when you first came to be aware, or rather, (because it usually happens in the other direction) when the awareness came to you that the world is not yours, but that it owned itself, and you were confused and angry and adolescent, I was out there arguing with editors about my commas.
And when you got to legal maturity and the gates of adulthood, when you were finally able to count as a proper human person, I was getting restless. You were just getting started. I was beginning to wind up.
So now we meet. I have been writing your entire life. You missed most of it. Some of the best paragraphs. But now, here we are.
You know me because I have always been visible somewhere in your life– the cartoon or the photo in your peripheral vision (excuse the pun) of the newspaper every weekend.
You are what? Twenty three now? I was twenty three when I started. I know something about being twenty three. I know that twenty-three-year-old people know nothing at all. Certainly not how little they know.
I have not been a famous writer for some years now. I quit my column and vanished into an invisible wilderness, a dark forest, Selva Oscura some call it, and have not yet reemerged.
I still write, though. Plus, I am forty five now, so, going by unbroken precedence in my field, I am better than I ever was.
You want to be a writer too? You want to be good? Or you want to be famous? Or you want to be rich? Or perhaps all three?
I can help.
The Artfield Institute called me and asked me to do a couple of days of sharing what I can. It’s going to be on October 19th and 20th.
I will tell you everything I know, every secret of success and every secret of failure (The failures are especially enlightening: like why I ditched Anita Everything, Suki and ULK, why Ballad of Black Bosco was free to download and now I can’t use it to get an authors fellowship, why I can’t lie and why I can’t tell the truth, why I can’t be Charles Onyango Obbo or Bikozulu or Jennifer Makumbi, and why I never called Binyavanga.)
I could also tell you how nothing feels as good as making a story, and how words illuminated my darkest times and how reaching people with a funny paragraph gave a mediocre life like mine a sense of meaning and why this crap literally saves my life every day.
I’ll tell you how to be famous and how words can get you laid (then heartbroken, of course) and I will tell you what not to do so that by not doing it you become wealthy.
Remember when I said I write ads for a living now? I thought of writing an ad for this master class.
But then, nah. This isn’t something to advertise. Let Artfield advertise it. They are the ones selling it. I’m not going to sell you anything. I’m going to give you my twenty years.
I have not written for a while. And am not going to for a while longer. Ironically, the reason for this is that I have just become even more prolific. I started working again and now I am too busy to sit down and write blog posts.
I am too busy with proposals and presentations and edits and zoom meetings and concept edits and putting the pins in that for a minute now when the boss suggests that course of action, which is every time the dumbest fu** in the Zoom meeting thinks they have a idea.
That is not an idea. That is your brain doing with synaptical and neural energy what intestines do with methane and undigested protein. That is a fart being formed and seeking a way out.
It has been hard being away from this for so long. Even though, to be frank, between just the two of us, I had kind of planned to take a break anyway…
Because this is the thing.
The difference between a good writer and a great writer is not style. It’s sincerity.
Now, me? I have got style. I’ve got moves, baby, I groove. I have funk and rhythm. I have style.
I perform a song and dance for your amusement, mostly, because I like validation. But I don’t actually write, in the sense that a Writer writes. I don’t tell you what I am thinking, feeling, what I really am behind the screen or beyond the keys.
But guys, I am about to turn 46 years old. Technically, I am now an old writer. It is time to come of age. I have earned the right.
So, I am going to leave for a bit longer and collect myself, and return with my kanzu and kufi. It’s going to be brutal. You have four weeks to get ready.
I was looking for this thing I wrote about Independence last year and found this thing I wrote about Independence in 2012. You guys, I was hilarious.
I had told these two impudent teenagers of mine them over and over again that no one watches Lil Wayne music videos in my house. If that meant I was a hater, then let me be a hater and, true to my calling, let me hate. We had a long argument about this and I remember Chandler’s final submission: “Tunechi swagg too deep for yall!” To which I responded, “My intellect operates in coherent English, not in whatever language the word ‘swagg’ occurs.” Then I turned the channel and walked off with the remote control.
Little did I know they would figure out the secret very few teens in Uganda know — which is that you can actually operate a TV without the remote control. It is an unfortunate result of their inheriting my intelligence and their mother’s cunning; but they managed to find the buttons on the TV itself and switched the station back on to Lil Wayne.
I had to step in to both assert my authority (by turning the station the hell off YMCMB) and punishing them (by turning it into a documentary about Ugandan agricultural development since independence. Yes, you hapless teenagers. Let your eyes watch agricultural development. Let them bleed from this.)
Then: I thought they would writhe on the floor in agony but instead, and you could have bashed my head in with a leaf of lettuce just then, they just actually sat there and PAID REAL ATTENTION. Flabbers have never been so violently gasted in the history of flabbergasting. Chandler and Fraiser were actually interested in this documentary.
They even had questions to ask me after it ended.
Fraiser went first: “Dad, what was Uganda like before independence?”
Still shocked, I replied, “How should I know?”
“Have you forgotten?” asked Chandler. “Maybe you could check the archives and see what you used to write in your column in those years.”
Imagine: How old did these kids think I was, banange?
“As old as the hills?” suggested Fraiser.
“As old as the ancient songs of sadness from the African heart?” opined Chandler.
“Yeah, e’en unto the dawn of time whence thine people spake thusly,” went Fraiser, who then ducked to dodge the shoe I flung at him.
“I was not born in the sixties, Uganda was independent when I got here!” I snorted.
“But what were the old days like? I heard from an economics expert who wrote on a prestigious news site that things were much cheaper then than they are now,” said Fraiser, passing my shoe back to me. “I bet you could get an iPhone for like sh200.”
“Yes, they were,” I replied, “but we didn’t call it an iPhone. We called it foolscap paper. And if you wanted to send a person an email, or an sms or a whatsapp, you would use a stamp instead of an internet bundle.”
Futhermore: I continued, now that I had their attention. “Uganda was excellent when I was your age. We used to focus on our studies and we never wasted time wearing skinny jeans and listening to Lil Wayne.”
“Who did you listen to?” they asked.
“Jay-Z and Busta Rhymes,” I replied.
“You are kidding me. Jay-Z and Busta were there in the sixties?”
What is more embarrassing than walking around in public with your dress stuck in your knickers, asked a highly-valued and respected member of our Ugandan online community recently.
I say highly valued and respected because she is an inspiration; she is a source of national pride; she brings joy to all her fans, and on days like today, when some of us are stuck in a takeaway in the rain, and we had come to get takeaway because we don’t eat in people’s public restaurants because #StaySafe, duh, but now we cannot escape to do our social distancing bulungi because of all the rain; at times like this, when we have to run to the furthest, most inhospitable corner of the takeway– there is a corner there that looks neglected enough; I see cobwebs there and smell cockroach droppings and it looks like the part of the premises where nobody ever goes, not even to clean, so I deduce that if no one has been there, no one has put their covid there, so that is where I go to hide from possible infection– I have long sentences in my second paragraphs these days, don’t I?– so I run to that corner with my phone with the intention of watching Ugandan tiktoks until either the rain or the pandemic stops, and for this I am thankful to Martha Kay, because even though she isn’t alone in its initiation, she was pivotal in the starting of this gangsta shit. She alone is a watershed moment in Uganda’s modern history and one of the most significant of our compatriots.
I have not gone overboard with the praise. Game has just recognised game.
What I admire the most about Martha Kagimba is that she actually made money by being talented on social media. Do you know how hard that is? Have you seen how many talented Ugandans we have on social media and have you calculated the ratio of those vis the ones who have actually earned a single peanut from it? Kagimba is a unicorn, man.
What is more embarrassing than kapintos, she asks.
The circumstance described is known as kapintos (Citation needed) and occurs when the back of a person’s garment gets caught in their buttcrack. It is usually the result of not wearing underwear and then sitting kisajja on a bodaboda that then rides over humps such as those found in Najjera, Bugolobi, Bukasa, Mutungo, Nsambya and Kampala in general. Kampala roads are a series of potholes followed by a series of speedbumps. Kampala roads have speedbumps like popup ads on a copyright infringing website so kapintos has a high incidence among its boda passengers.
Speedbumps everywhere these days. Honestly I prefered the potholes of old.
Take the case of Naguru potholes, for example, which my car and I used to fall into daily as I attempted to drive to work. Say what you will about how vicioiusly you want them to go fuck themselves, but at least they offered variety and adventure and some amusement. Because they moved.
Yes, Naguru potholes used to move. One would be seen on the right side of the road in the morning as you drive to work, so you think you will dodge it on the way back, therefore, because you will be on the opposite side of the road. But no. It crosses the road during the day and is waiting for you in the evening.
They also multiplied, like amoeba and paramecium, and one pothole would quickly spawn all over the road with the result that, within a week, you have fourteen.
While generally caused through the process described above, it can also arise under other means. Some have achieved kapintos with trousers. Even jeans. Some have managed kapintos in their underwear alone, particularly boxers, while the outer garments are unaffected. Some, I have heard, even sustain kapintos in the front and there are rumours of a fellow from lower Makindye sides who has kapintos on the side.
You ask, how, Sway? But you don’t want to know the answer. The person who told me the story began to explain how the guy had two sets of testicles, one on each hip, and how these would catch the folds of… I stopped him before the trauma embedded itself too deep because wisdom is not the same as knowledge. Sometimes it is more wise to know less.
What, children, is more embarrassing than having Kapintos?
Let me tell you a story. There I was, a nice, chivalrous, kind-hearted civic-minded gentleman walking up Luwum Street one day, not even minding my own business because I was a journalist and it was my business to mind everyone else’s business. I wasn’t ogling people’s bums, I was being observant of society around me and the community at large.
That it just so happened that somewhere in the scope of my observation lay a couple of corporate chicks looking fwiiine was not reason to cast aspersions on my professional integrity. I was not ogling. I don’t ogle.
At least not on the job. I would ogle in clubs at night on my free time.
So when I noticed the woman walk by with the fold cleaving her two bums, it was not just because they were very nice bums. It was because they were amidst the societal environment I was there to observe.
But observing is not the only role of a reporter. Sometimes, when you see a problem, you have to speak out, so I felt it was my duty, and you understand, especially you, Dr Nyanzi, I felt that I could not just stand there and say nothing. It was my duty to speak out.
I made the completely innocent, benign and yea, even patriotic decision to say to this lady, “Madam, good evening. I am a local journalist. In the course of my duties on this street it has come to my attention that your otherwise impeccably balanced and resplendently-clad bums are being invaded by that scourge of fashion known colloquially as kapintos. If you are not from around here, even though, if I had to call upon my experience to make an informed guess from the shape of the bums we are currently discussing, I would say you are from Masaka District, the northern part, above Lake Nabugabo, but if I am wrong and you do not know the local term kapintos, then, what I am trying to bring to your attention is that your dress is creased up into your buttcrack. You might want to adjust it. Or not. That is up to you.”
So I began walking up to the lady. She saw me and began walking faster. I walked faster too, trying to catch up. She noticed that I seemed to be running after her and sped up.
Did I mention that she had been talking on her mobile phone and that this was a time when Luwum Street was notorious arena for phone-snatchers? Niggas were like Steph Curry on Luwum Street. They would snatch your phone while you were in the middle of a conversation and disappear like vampires before you had even finished lolling at what Bridget just said.
So that is what is more embarrassing than kapintos. Trying to tell someone that they have kapintos and getting mistaken for a phone thief.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
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This is a horror story. Very violent. Thick with gore, bloodspattered and gruesome. It is all cruelty, no mercy, just murder, murder, murder and death. Netflix donneveniknow wasgono. This is the story of the time I had a chicken in my flat.
As all horror tales begin, so did mine, with a peaceful, sedate, virtually rural life in Kyaliwajjala. Kyali in those days was very backward: I hear that you now have malls and swimming pools, and there are rumours that solar powered streetlights have been sighted in the background of some selfies set by the main street, but in the old days, the neighbourhood was, though technically, within the greater Kampala area, so underdeveloped that we even had wildlife.
We had flying roaches, we had millipedes and, most telling, we had monkeys in the hood.
There is a difference between urban animals like miyaayu or stray dogs and wildlife. Stray dogs know their place, but the Kyali monkeys were categorically wildlife in the sense of how casually disrespectful their attitude towards humans was. The stray dog sitting in the middle of a panya road will get out of the way when it sees a human approach. The Kyali monkey of those days would continue chewing its kikajjo and look at you for two seconds to decide if you were relevant to any aspect of its life before concluding that the answer was nil then turning back to its sugar cane.
When you said, “Shoo!”, it would, in a reversal of the urban norm, look at you with a contemptuous glance, as if you are the one who was kumanyiraring it.
Then the monkey would say, “No, you shoo.”
In its language, of course.
None of them saw us as a threat in any way, not even to their ecology or habitat. We were so bucolic we didn’t even litter plastic bottles or buveera because we were so rural, our rolex guys wrapped their wares in endagala and our nightly inebriation was served in endeku, not bottles much less satchets.
But that was not the only un-urban thing about life in the area. There was my neighbour across the compound. A dude named Tony.
Tony had just arrived from a hamlet outside Fort Portal. This meant that he was not as savvy to the local culture. He did not know that yuppies in Kampala apartment compounds kept to themselves and did not socialise, so he just went ahead and made friends with all of us, myself included. Like a villager in a village, Tony would often barge into our houses and do the unspeakable– actually visit! As in sit down and stay inside for extended periods of time.
One other neighbour had the balls to be appropriately metropolitan and stake her territory. I don’t know her name because I am a Kampalan too, so I don’t know my neighbours’ names, but she had told him to leave.
“Gwe, Tony, where is your house, is it inside mine, then why are you bringing yourself, no no no,” she said, loudly enough for us to hear the words, if not the punctuation, “I don’t live with men, you don’t even know how to use toilets, like the seat, up or down, and then ever knocking when I have just got my Javas, since when do I allow, no no no. Tony, your side is there those ends far away, me don’t disturb me.”
So Tony learned a valuable lesson about foreign cultures that day. If you want to hang out with your Kyaliwajjala neighbours in Kampala, do it at the nightclub in Bugolobi.
It took the lesson a while to sink in, though, and while he avoided Number Six like she was the syllabus supervisor from Slytherin, he was free and friendly with the rest of us, treating us the way you would expect from foreigners who have believed the widespread rumour that Ugandans are friendly and hospitable.
One early evening he arrived at my door dressed in a kanzu and coat, complete with the little kamuli in the lapel. Tony had just returned from a Kwanjula and was on his way to the kasiki.
The kanzu, he observed, had tempered his male chauvinism. At first it had inspired envy– what a comfort to be able to wear something like a dress: the freedom and the space to move your legs was an unexpected pleasure and he particularly enjoyed how manspreading is made exponentially easier in a kanzu.
The lower parts of his brain were quietly deciding to be suspicious of women for not telling us about dresses before, and wondering what else they were not telling us, when another facet of information boogied itself into the disco– a kanzu is restrictive: It limits the length of your stride to the length of the kanzu. You can either learn this the hard way, by tripping and falling, or the less hard way by almost tripping and almost falling and then, henceforth, walking with the corner of the kanzu clutched in your hand, above your knee.
I look forward, as our cultures evolve, to kanzus coming equipped with slits that increase mobility.
Tony, having been part of the groom’s entourage, did in fact fall, because when the ceremonial kwanjula chicken was handed over, it did not go gently into that good night. It sqwawked, “If you punkassniggas want me, come get me! Thug For Life!” then flapped valiantly and made a break for it. The entourage quickly broke formation from the accustomed grace and elegance of these Ganda ceremonies, hiked up their kanzus and set off like rugby halfbacks in pursuit.
It was Tony who finally caught the renegade bird with a dive that would have made any goalkeeper proud. There was two stains on his kanzu now– grass and mud– but he had caught the bird, salvaged the ceremony and therefore, as far as he was concerned, saved the marriage. He even, as per his narration, secured rights to have the couple’s first son named after him.
He told me all this before finally getting to the point which was, “Keep this for me till I come back.”
By “this” he meant the chicken.
He handed me the chicken.
And then he dove back into the car with the other kwanjula attendees and they vroomed off to continue their revelry at the venue of the kasiki. I didn’t even know so many Masaka babes could fit into one VW Polo, but I was left with other things to consider, like the fact that there was now a live chicken in my house.
I looked at it.
It attempted to look back at me, but chicken eyes are on the sides of their heads, one on the left side, one on the right, yet us humans have both in the front.
“I can already tell that there is no point in me doing this, but the lack of a point has never stopped me from doing the things I do, so I am just going to go ahead and outline the rules that govern this household. Number one is that around here we are law-abiding and moral so smoking of marijuana and abuse of other recreational drugs is not permitted on the premises. Use the balcony cos weed smoke gives me cramps. Secondly, we uphold the constituion of Uganda and the international human rights charter as regards to freedom of expression and therefore, naturally, we also spiritedly believe, with the same verve and vigour, in freedom to shut the fuck up. The latter shall be enforced whenever deemed necessary. The third rule is no music in this house by anyone named Lil Anything.”
I said all of this to the chicken just as a matter of course though I knew it would have no effect. As we have already established, this hen and I were never going to see eye to eye.
Then Tony vanished. He disappeared. The day he gave me his chicken was the last time I ever heard from him. There are rumours that he had gambling debts which had grown to the point where one’s options are narrowed to an edge even thinner than “Either pay up or die”. The option of paying up having been removed from the table, it is now either die or flee to DRC, change your name and start a new life in Kisangani under an assumed identity.
I had been looking after his bird for a week and a half before I saw the landlord’s goons dragging Tony’s furniture out of his house and taking camera photos of it to upload on OLX and OLX-like facebook sites. That is when the circumstances were explained to me: I had been keeping this bird for a man who was never to return.
If I had known I would not have put up with it at all.
Having a chicken in the house, much less having one for ten days, had brought many zibs.
I had dealt with the two main problems you would expect– I sellotaped its mouth shut at night so it wouldn’t make noise while I was asleep and my thesis that pampers don’t have to work on only humans was proven accurate, but besides these, there were other problems.
For example, I kept it indoors. I couldn’t let it out of the house because, and if this blog post resurfaces ten years from now when cancel culture has reached the point where we are now dealing with animal rights, this is the one that will kill my career:
I couldn’t let it out of the house because there were many random chicken in Kyaliwajjala and they all look the same to me. I couldn’t tell them apart. If Hennessy (I named her) got out of the house and into the general population I would not be able to identify her and bring her back.
Being indoors would have been fine if she had a sense of how to respect boundaries, but she was worse than a cat, and you know how cats are.
You know how cats are. Who among us has not borne the trauma wrought by a cat that wanders into the bedroom while we are making love, and then starts casually licking its arse? We’ve all been there. Come on, it can’t just be me.
And there’s still no facebook support group.
Hennessy was shameless. Hennessy would stroll around the dinner table while I was eating rolexes and cluck at me.
“Don’t even judge. It’s not like you were even related,” I would sneer, but I have to admit, I did feel a bit guilty.
She broke my favourite whiskey glass. The one that cradled the last sip better than all the others.
But disaster struck on the third of a consecutive series of nights when I was drinking myself to sleep after Peninah broke my heart.
She had dumped me in the most cruel way possible. By telling me the truth.
She had always wanted a guy with a full beard and she thought that after some time she would convince me to stop shaving and grow one out. I was a fool in love, so I told her, like an idiot, I told her, like a moron, I told her, instead of just going to Facco or asking Karitas if she has wigs that can do the job, I told her that some guys just don’t grow beards and that I was one of them. My genes only put hair on my chin and above my lip, nothing on the cheeks. I just blurted this out.
The least she could have done is tell me she was leaving me for another guy, but she just flat out said it, “Baz, I cannot love a man with no beard. It’s over between us.”
I felt worthless, I felt diminished. I felt humiliated. I felt broken into little pieces and crushed underneath a stiletto heel of shame by the cruelty of her words. My heart was a wreck. Three days. Three days of drinking myself to sleep.
Then this fucking chicken jumps onto the table and kicks over my favourite glass.
While I live in a suburb so rural that the best replacement possible is a tumpeco.
There were other things. Like after the first few days the pampers obviously needed changing. Yes Pampers. Plural. Hennessy was a random chicken, not my child, so I didn’t feel obliged to sustain her hygiene. I strapped on one pamper. When it began to pong, I just covered it with another. And so on. This is at best a short term solution but after seven days one has to confront the necessity of having to remove stacked layers of pampers filled with chicken shit.
I made a note that the next round I was going to take her to the local court and ask if there is any convict there who has done something bad enough to deserve a really disgusting punishment, and then have that person deal with Hennesy’s diapers. The smell of accumulated chicken shit in accumulated pampers is dehumanising. That is the kind of thing that makes you mean it when you say you will never do things again. Perfect crime deterrent.
No. First wait. First picture it. First picture it. Now you understand. Don’t throw up on my blog. Puke to the side.
It was after putting up with this for ten days that the landlord’s goon told me that Tony wasn’t coming back. Which means I didn’t have to keep this hen. Which meant I could get rid of it.
So I slaughtered her her and ate her. Hence the murder and gore.
I had this Chandler And Frasier story lying around for years. It is not new.
I had tried to self publish a few several years ago, but they came out of the printers looking like — well, I would rather give my work away than try to sell something that looked as crappy as that cheap print-job did.
There is a longer story to this: which involves why there are still four volumes left, but I shall keep that for when we both have the whiskey, the data, the wherewithal and the peace of mind for a long ramble.
But for now, without further ado, Wiggly Nankani Productions Presents, Straight From The Kitchen of Wampisi and Associates Publications, Chandler and Frasier Vol 3: From China With Love In which two Kampala teenagers find love, find heartbreak, and find the true meaning of R&B songs
This is another love story. It includes the following characters: Lydia, Spanks, Ja Rule, E. Bazanye and Genevive. Don’t worry about Ja Rule for now. He comes in later.
But why did Ja Rule look like a potato made of potatoes? I mean, his head? An Irish. His body? A pile of Irish. His little muscle bulges made him look like someone had tattooed a kaveera of their vegetable shopping.
But we will come to him later. For now we need to maintain a coherent narrative stream without random digressions. So Ja aside, let’s look at Lydia.
Lydia was the head waiter/cashier of a DVD library in the days before everybody got Netflix and she was very good at her job. She knew all the inventory and where it was located. Just say the film you want and she would find and hand it to you in the briefest of moments.
She was so good she could even completely conceal her contempt when you ordered a really really shitty movie.
Like this bullshit. This movie was not just shitty. It was a visual assault of shittiness. It was aggressively shitty. It was not fecal matter, it was fecal energy. It was as if the photons emanating from the screen had arranged themselves in the specific military formation that soldiers in the 1986 Bush War used for toilet breaks and then marched onto our retinas and shat on them in with the resolve, courage, violent and valiant sense of purpose of the NRA attacking aduyi, only instead of liberating Uganda from tyranny, they were liberating our brains from our love for Tobey’s Spiderman.
If a customer would slap-paw his hyena legs into the lib and mouth-fart mbu he wanted Spider-Man 3, or the toilet Scarlett Johannsen made of Ghost In The Shell, or the war crime M. Night made of The Last Airbender or anything starring Nicolas Cage, nothing in Lydia’s face would show the surging compulsion to immediately kill him for having such awful taste. She was stoic and composed and did not look homicidal at all.
Sometimes she would secretly signal me for my gun (I used to pack a Glock 45 back then because, at the time, I was about that street life) but I would always refuse. I didn’t want her to get caught up in the game, you knowmsayin, cos once you start down that path, yo, ain’t no comin back. That’s real, knowmsayin’. Gangsta for life.
I was one of her customers but most of the time I just came in for the air conditioning and the company; just to hang out, cos she was cool. Another regular customer was a young man we called Spanks.
He told us his name was Spanks. NIRA was to later reveal, many years later, that it was actually Severino Paulo Nkalu-Kiwalidde, and you will see his posters on Umeme poles. He is standing for youth MP. When you meet him, please advise him to step down because he is now 48 years old.
But back then he was young and idle and always at the lib with Lydia and I consuming AC and enabling the bad staff habit of drinking on the job by supplying Lydia with sips of the Bond 7 he always seemed to have on him.
It was one sunny afternoon when a new customer walked in. A very very attractive 2010s woman. She was kacute and even though she picked her nostril when she thought we were not looking– people forget that some shops have CCTV cameras so we saw her bad manners– she didn’t damage it and it remained a very nice nostril.
She didn’t pull her kapintos, though. I noticed, because I ogled her bum, that she should have.
She got to the counter and smiled and asked for the following films.
Age Of Ultron
At the time Lydia had gone to the bathroom. I am not going to besmirch her reputation by making any claims concerning what she had gone to do there. Probably marijuana, but how would I know? Spanks was around so my Eustachian tube was unable to detect and discern any scent but Bondo fumes and Nivea For Men.
The pretty lady assumed, when she saw only Spanks and I in the library, that we were the staff, and asked us for the movies.
I was about to say, “Sorry. We don’t work here. I’m just here for the AC and this guy is here because his developing alcohol habit has already rendered him unemployable. As a result, all he does is wander into other people’s places of work with his Bond 7s trying to spread the habit,” but he had a deft Ip Man move he could execute where he kicked your ankle surreptitiously and made you shut up before you had even started your sentence.
He put himself directly in front of the counter and beamed. “Hi. My name is Brad. How can I help you?”
I then got a headache because I have one of those brains that does not naturally focus effectively. Some of you are like trains on a track: Once you get started with a thought or mental task, you stay with it till the logical end. Me? I am like a dozen fleets of boda bodas. It is very easy to just introduce an unexpected item and create an accident.
And now the thought “Ouch! That hurt” collided with “Brad of where now?” Full Full Condition.
I decided the safe thing to do would be to go and look for Lydia.
She wasn’t burning spliffs in the back of the store, so Mr/Ms Government Agent monitoring sites to see if anyone is outchea promoting illegal behaviour, get off my case.
Since she wasn’t smoking in the back of the store, she was not able to help my headache, but when I informed her that Spanks was dealing with a customer she quickly paused the video on her phone, put away the other gadget and dashed to the counter.
“Hi Jane!” Lydia hastily greeted.
“It’s Genevive, not Jane,” the customer, who was apparently Genevive as per recent revelations, replied.
“Sorry. I always think of you as Jenny, and then my head confuses Jenny with Jane,” Lydia smiled then did that thing Kampala women do where she tosses her eyes to the roof as if that is where all petty confusion comes from and waggled her left hand manicure.
If you were able to picture the gesture accurately from that sentence, then please, someone send me a writer’s fellowship for African Writers Trust because it means I am the best ever. I just described the inscrutable.
You know I always suspected that I was, if not the one, at least one of them. The problem is that none of you take me seriously. You think I am here for jokes, yet I tend to be quite insightful and deliver significant intellectual tonnage in my work. Take for example, the last Chandler and Frasier Book.
It is a trenchant examimation of what it means to be African in a modern global world, and how Western culture has been repurposed by the cultures orphaned by colonialism.
Chandler and Frasier Vol 3 coming August 9th, by the way. Completely bereft of all intelligent content.
Genevive gracefully reassured Lydia that she had been taken care of adequately. She had all the movies she needed. She also had a few series. I did my part by asking her which ones, just to see if she would say “serie” or “series” and she passed the test. And then she left.
The next time we met at Lydia’s Lib, Spanks was wearing a more grown up deodorant. I am not saying you guys who wear Nivea are immature, I am jussaying that you, well, you wear Nivia. I understand; life is not a New York Fashion Show Catwalk and you don’t have to be glamorous all the time. Most of the time all you need to do is just not stink, and Nivea is fine for that. It makes you smell like a vacist but there are worse things to smell like.
Eg, an S4.
Me, as me, I don’t judge people who wear Nivea for men.
But there are some people who do. Jussayin.
Next time we saw and smelled Spanks he was fragrant as a garden of Gillette in hot weather. He had had a hair cut, tucked in his shirt and timed his arrival with precision. The movies Genevive had taken should be done by now, and the FOMO for the next seasons of the series she had taken should be bringing her back today, he calculated, so there he was, ready to receive her.
It was so obvious, Lydia didn’t even ask. She just let him stand at the counter and do his thing when Genevieve showed up with her latest orders.
I sat aside on the bean bags with Lydia and asked her, “Are we really supposed to do this?”
This is why I loved Lydia: she just grinned a small, wry grin and said, “This is the age of chaos. This is the epoch of anarchy. Meaning is incidental. Purpose a shredded spiderweb.”
Get you a girl who quotes movies no one has ever heard of.
Meanwhile Spanks happily joked and bantered and quipped with Genevive about her choice of films, about the plot twists in the things she had watched, about football and UFC (whatever that is. Probably Kyalya’s political party) as he collected the DVDs from her list and finally, when she left, he sighed the way John Cusack always did in rom coms.
I began to say, “I just have a few suggestions. Next time, not Gillette. Secondly, don’t just laugh at her jokes, make her laugh at yours also. Thirdly, if you are thinking long term, you are going to have to go to a gym and work on your core and lumbar muscles because it’s not easy doing it with short women.”
But apparently Lydia also knew that Ip Man ankle kick from the paragraph up those ends so I just ended up saying, “Headache!”
Now, compatriots, you know generalisations and stereotypes are weak and lazy shortcuts that we only indulge in when we don’t want to do the actual work of thinking. It’s a dangerous habit because it can lead you to troublesome and wrong conclusions. Take, for example, the assumption that men are players. Spanks assumed that this was true and that it applied to him.
But in reality, he was no player. He had no game. He was no where near the pitch. He didn’t even know a stage where you can get the taxi that goes to Namboole let alone the direction of Nakivubo.
For three whole weeks this guy was at the library with his expensive deodorant trying to be romantic but never actually shooting a single shot.
Meanwhile, in her own life, Lydia was being developmental. The owner of the shop could not give her a raise so she negotiated for permission to use the premises for her own side businesses. She sold novels and did IT tech support consultancy on the side. One day she came in with a poster advertising jewelery, tiaras, rings, long lace gloves, bouquets of flowers and high heel shoes, all white.
It happened to be Genevie day and Spanks was there, three weeks sober, wearing Old Spice.
Genevive skipped in the way she always did, in her perfectly white little Nikes. Spanks was ready. His teeth were all out in the open, ready to beam for the coming minutes, the Genevive Minutes, the minutes he lived for, the reason his heart beat.
Lydia and I knew our place: out of the way, on the beanbags.
But just as Genevive was about to start asking about Mission Impossible, she noticed the poster. “Lydia! Is that what I think it…I have been looking all over!” and she glided straight to the poster.
Lydia ascertained that it was, indeed, the advert of a hustle of hers which was wedding planning. There was an email, whatsapp number, social media and so forth where you could get all your wedding planning needs taken care of. She even put the requisite cliche: “One stop biki spot” on the poster.
Genevive was elated. She cooed and oohed and aahed about the poster while Lydia did her best to market her business. “So you can get me measured for a wedding dress? But you know me I don’t believe in those things of spending a lot of money for a dress I’m only going to wear once, so I would really rather rent one, but Jeffery? Jeffery acts like I have suggested we serve grilled donkey head meat instead of cake. So someone told me that you can buy a dress from someone, have it altered to your size and specifications, and then, after your wedding, you sell it to the next bride, pay it forward sort of thing…”
Jeffery was her fiance. A man with small tight muscles and a bald head who looked exactly like Ja Rule.
He was outside in the car. We only saw him when he came in and hoarsely asked, “Are you ready?” In an accent that made it sound more like potatoes than he looked, with his bald head and muscles on muscles.
Spanks’ broken heart proceeded to instigate a temporary Bond 7 stock shortage in the mall, but at least, after that, the lib smelled better.
Moral of the story: don’t waste time when it comes to shooting your shot. Use Tinder instead.
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Also, Chandler and Frasier Vol 3 coming up August 9th.
This week’s story is from a restaurant, a cafe, such as Cafe Javas. The posh ones we used to go to before lockdown and, also, before lockdown decimated our disposable incomes.
It was a popular site for dates.
In case months under isolation have made you forget, dates are meetings over a meal in a nice restaurant where two people hold conversations with a view to increasing their mutual affection to the point where they like each other enough to have sex.
They are very useful if the guy is nervous and anxious, in which case he needs time to become comfortable with the lady opposite. He needs to get familiar enough with her, otherwise the sex will be frantic, awkward, clumsy and, if unprotected, result in an asshole child.
That is my theory about kids who are assholes– that they were conceived through unsatisfying sex. The resentment, bitterness and shame hormones that flooded their mother’s bloodstream while they were forming as zygotes are what got them started so, naturally, they would turn out to be wicked little jerks.
I liked dates. We would start out as strangers and next thing you know, a beautiful woman and I have turned a coffee table into our own personal world where we are the only two people who exist, basking in each other’s glow, smiling smiles that smile beyond the smile itself. You know, when it’s not just your face, it’s your soul that is smiling. I liked dates. After such dates, you would go on to make love.
But that was not the only type of date. Our culture became more cynical, perhaps, or we just became too busy to have time. Mu embeera y’okupakasa, no one has time for lovemaking. It’s chaws, hookups and smashing.
So dates are now also places where you each hold, on your part, a sort of interrogation to determine whether there is any reason not to have sex with whichever individual has positioned themselves as available that week.
You have to sweep for red flags first. For example, you might find that he is an unemployed in the worse way. As in, not the kind who would work if he had a chance, but the type who is talented and driven but he is not accepting any job because he is trying to “find himself”.
Of all the wankeristicity, of of all the solipsistic conceits, of all the kyegyo! If you want to find yourself ask google. Google will tell you where you are.
By the way, I shouldn’t be doing this. I am trying to build a base; a recurring readership who come back weekly. I should not be alienating readers in this social media age. I want readers to stay. I want to be able to love Bikozulu the way I used to love Bikozulu before the envy came in and soured my relationship with him.
And I am cynical enough to know that the best way to retain a reader is to find out what beliefs they cherish, what positions they identify with on the more intensely emotional topics, and then, if I can can articulate their preconceptions about these topics well enough, they may consider me intelligent and retweet me.
Of course I am not talking about you, you reading now. You are wise and open-minded. You and I love and respect each other. I mean those other ones there reading there. Not you. You you are my legit peeps.
But pandering to the crowd, following the trends, is the way to grow a blogging base. It’s the way to recover my love for Biko.
But fuck finding yourself. Bomboclart.
If you want to find yourself, reach out, swing your arms behind, grab that big, blubbery flesh you encounter. That’s your ass. You have found it.
Find yourself? Shiiyyeet. When we are nothing but fleas, fleas flocking the hide of a planet, itself just a fleck of dust among millions of other planets? We are infinitesimally insignificant iotas of the galaxy’s biomass. You don’t even have to be here. You can leave and the world will keep spinning. Find yourself? Why? When it makes no difference if you get lost?
Find yourself? Find deez nuts.
For the most part when a person wants to find himself, he already has and he didn’t like what he discovered. He found a spoilt, needy, unfulfilling waste and did not like it, so he denied it, like a deadbeat dad denying his baby because the child will take his beer and muchomo money for Pampers; That is not mine! That is not me!
Find yourself? That guy is not looking for himself. He is looking for an identity that is cool and glamorous and heroic and sexy enough to satisfy his ego, he is looking for an identity that he can put on and wear and claim, like Tony Stark when he wore the Mark 3 and said “I am Iron Man.”
Mbu find yourself? Humans, I know we want to think we count for something, we don’t want to be meaningless or purposeless or valueless, but we are. The only meaning, purpose or value a human being has is that which he or she creates. So go out and be useful. Or be kind. Or just be humble. When you have real value, you don’t have time to find yourself because people keep looking for you. “Eh mama, as you’re lost!” all the friends whose lives love you will say because they have not seen you for three months and you mean so much to them that… anyway, I think I have made my point.
So, dates became these situations where you check to see whether there is any reason not to consummate your desire to have carnal knowledge with this individual: A few hours to check his finger for ring-marks, to suss out her position on Stella Nyanzi’s candidature, to assess the general scene for warning signs and to give running commentary to your real life Kouncil (This is when you keep going to the loo to give updates to your whatsapp group to see what their input is. I.e. “He says he got a Kanagimelon fellowship. TF is that even?” “Carnegie Mellon, you dwanzie. It means he is very smart. Go for it.” “Sounds like a nerd.” “Did you remember to check his shoe size?” etc).
But this one time, this thing I saw was different.
He was middle aged. The type who looks it. There are some men who look so middle aged because they have been middle aged all their life. The kind who listened to Don Williams during their twenties. The kind who have been waking up at six and tuning in to BBC Africa since they were at Makerere doing something inane like SWASA and getting good grades at it.
The thing with that kind of guy is that he tends to be very hardworking, very focussed, very disciplined, and when you are those things for long enough, you just might get lucky and end up very wealthy.
You will still be a dweeb, but wealthy middle aged dweebs know this– of those three adjectives, two don’t matter.
Now he can finally slow down and pick up on all the stuff he missed out on while he was hustling his way to the top. Like being fashionable (explains the perfectly-cut suit), being trendy, (explains the iPhone and Benz keys), and, of course, when he was younger he never had a chance to have sex with the hot babes of his age. But now, he does. Cos he has a moneeyzzz.
He was sitting at one end of the table eating his carbonara with the fork and knife the way they taught him when he was doing kyeyo in Manchester. He occasionally looked at her, then back at his food. Then looked around. He looked at me. I looked away quickly in case he can read my eyes.
She, on the other hand, was not even trying. She was on her phone tapping-tapping with two thumbs, meaning she was texting– she was spending the whole date ignoring her actual date while having multiple social interactions with other people miles away.
And to make it worse, she had one earbud in. That just makes it worse. As if the un-budded ear is a token gesture, a condescending pat on the head.
She had ordered something opulent that she poked at with her fork intermittently, when she was not tapping into her chat app.
There was a moment when she put the phone down and turned to the table. A brief moment. She was a wolf because the food was decimated in just that brief moment.
Then back the the phone.
He seemed to ask if she was enjoying the food. She looked up, and did a face like, “Wha’?”
He repeated the question.
She gave a cursory, perfunctory, “Oh yeah, sure.” and then was lost in the phone again until the waiter arrived to suggest dessert.
I guessed black forest and was right.
He had a tiramisu and, when it came, he looked at it the way middle aged men look at more and more things as they grow older. There is a look you develop for moments when you realise you made the wrong decision and now it’s too late to do anything but live with the consequences.
Now, I don’t want to sound judgy, but I already did, so I might as well continue to.
I do judge the guy. I judge him for putting up with this in public. This looks like a man who has moved mighty obstacles in his life; he has slain dragons, this guy, he has trophies as well as scars. This is a guy who has won fierce battles and yet he is here being kukula’d by a kid half his age and allowing pieces of shit like me to look at him and judge him.
I think he should demand a bit more from her. She’s going to fake an orgasm for him later, the least she could do is fake interest in his kb now. She could at least pretend to pay attention to him.
And I judge her, too. I am not going to judge her for anything else she is doing. It’s her life, her choice. And Feminism hasn’t settled the question of whether she is being forced to commodify her body by the patriarchy or whether she is emancipated enough to use her sexuality on her own terms as she feels fit, so that is not it.
It’s not the decline of the date either, because just because this is going on, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t love anymore. There are still couples lost in each others’ eyes over a rolex stand #IreneNtale saying, “I have to go. Curfew.” And then staying there for another twenty minutes. Then saying it again. Then staying again.
And of course there is the frantic, “No, don’t start. If you start, curfew will reach nga we haven’t finished. In fact, hint hint,” because much as the D is good, she doesn’t want him to spend the night.
This is what is bothering me about the whole thing: and I will acknowledge the pettiness here, but people: I can understand putting up with unsatisfactory sex for material security or gain. People do that all the time. That is called marriage. But…
How do you allow?
How do you sit there and allow a man to bore you for two hours so you can get free Black Forest? How?
I judge her for poor time management and lack of planning skills. If you don’t like the guy’s company, skip the date and just meet in the hotel or lodge. They can deliver the Jerk Chicken and Black Forest to your crib another time and you watch while watching series.
Me, you see me here, you see a man with a swagger, a man who walks with confidence, a man who walks as if he not only owns the room, but the building and the street. A man who moves as if Rajiv Ruparelia just borrowed this shit for a second.
Rajiv: Good morning sir. I am Rajiv Rupar…
Me: Here, hold kko these titles for me, will you? I need to type.
What you imagine happened
It may look like a sense of superiority, but really it is the opposite. It is because I lack self esteem– I have none at all. My self esteem is so low that I not only don’t expect people to care about me, but I don’t care if they don’t.
The result is that I will (and have done and will do so again) go to the bank in socks and sandals and smile very nicely to the staff as I fill the slip to withdraw my million shillings, some of which is going to buy crocs and more socks.
So now that I have introduced myself. Let me proceed, or at least begin this story.
I was in my former office lobby, having just said goodbye to a visitor, who had just walked out of the main gate and into the street, when I noticed that she had given me the wrong business card.
This was in the days when I still accepted business cards– pre-Covid. Nowadays, gimme a whatsapp number or a gmail address or do not expect us to ever communicate again; you are dead to me.
Of what use is a business card in Covid times? I haven’t even been to Aristoc in months, so I don’t need bookmarks and I can’t even pick my teeth with it cos it might have the corona virus on one corner. Kyanja, where I live, is full of casually disregarded “No Dumping” signs and the only reason your business card isn’t bio-degrading under one is that you are not going to waste either of our times giving it to me.
But back in the days people in office had such naive habits as accepting business cards.
But this card had the wrong name on it.
To protect the identities of the parties involved I shall not use the real names. I shall use names of people who were not involved in the story at all, like, say, random pick, Stella Nantumbwe.
So, instead of giving me a card that said, “Stella Nantumbwe, firstname.lastname@example.org, 0777Donotstalk, Twitter @Ellanantumbwe FB.com/Ellanantumbwe,” it said something very opposite. Like “Fatboy Jr, Fatboyskid@gmails.com , 07724ImusingmydadsabandonedMTNline, twitter @Dontmutemeyet FB.com/Tiredofbeingreported.”
Wait. This might get confusing. Ssi ku the way I write. Let me clarify that the person in whose names the card was not was in any way related to Fatboy. I only mentioned Fatboy because I wanted to use the Cartman pic. I just imagine that if Cartman would make Fatboy admit that he has lost an argument. And if Cartman was Fatboy’s kid, it would happen all week long.
The guy whose name was on the card was some asshole names withheld.
I had to move quickly before she got into her uber/taxify and get the right card.
For the record, it wasn’t Ellah. I just used her name because that was the week I first met her and I was crushing on her to such an extent that “crushing” would still be an understatement if I was four elephants sitting on top of her Vitz.
You guys, if you think Ellah is hot, wait till you see her speak. I did not say hear her speak. I said see her speak. Combine the sight of her with that voice and, fam! I crushed like the security apparatus of African states on the hopes of their people who yearn for free speech and human rights.
By the way, if you are one of those people who snitch and show these blog posts to the people I mention, tell her it’s safe now. I am over her. I still think she looks like a gorgeous praying mantis with those large eyes of hers, but I have too much anti-anxiety medication in my heart ventricles to be in love.
So, the guest was outside, about to enter their cab. I was inside, holding the wrong card. Action needed to be taken rapidly. I ran out of the gate shouting for them to wait and give me the right card before departing.
Are we going to keep interrupting the flow of the narrative with these distractions? Now you want to know if she gave me the wrong card as the equivalent of giving a nagging trash suitor at a club a fake name and number. Once again, it was not the actual Ellah.
Ella Nantumbwe would not give me the wrong number because I would not ask. I would give her my number and let her decide. I told you already. Confidence.
What would I do with Ellah’s number anyway? There’s levels to this shit, dude, and she’s like a foot taller than me.
Okay, let’s forget about hiding identities. It was Jane, okay? You don’t know her. Now will you let me get back to my story?
So I ran out of the gate to give Jane back the wrong card and get the right one.
What follows is one of my long speeches. I tend to talk like this in these stories. Follow me now:
“Jane, you have given me the wrong business card. This is K.J.’s card. I am shocked, appalled actually. If I didn’t admire you as much as I do, I would have taken this as a blight on your character– not that you gave me his card but that you actually have this person’s card. This person? This person isn’t just gasiya. This person is what makes me strongly suspect that a secret deal was struck between Uganda and China to dump nuclear waste in our landfills and then the maggots, roaches and bacteria that fester therein spontaneously evolved into a single sentient zombie monster of filth which then located the corpse of a sex pervert who had just died after his attempt to grow a second penis via witchcraft rituals went fatally wrong. The radioactive garbage monster found a way of donning the skin of the dead witchcraft pervert and, in this disguise, infiltrated Kampala society and, in the course of its other toxic, obscene and unholy activities, found time to print business cards. This card is proof that such a creature exists. I can only assume that you got it by accident– someone gave you the wrong card, the way you gave me the wrong card.”
Jane looked at the card and her face went through three expressions.
1: Whose card is this? (Curiosity.)
2: What? His card? How did I end up with his card? (Incredulity)
3: What the fuck! Get that thing away from me! (Abject terror at being in the same acre as that guy’s name alone, not to mention number, email, and social media handles.)
There was only one thing to do, of course, and you know it as well as I do. So I asked the patient Uber driver if his car had a lighter that we could use to burn the card to ash and end the cycle there and then. By the way, my younger readers, that thing which you use to plug in the phone charger in the car? You can stop wondering why it has that weird symbol on it. It was originally designed as a cigarette lighter, and can actually cause fire. I hope none of you know this because I hope none of you smoke cigarettes. They are bad for you. Smoke fish. That is good for you.
The Uber driver turned round and looked at me.
“Aren’t you Ernest Bazanye?” he asked.
At the time I was very famous so I said simply “Yeah. And?” (As opposed to now, when I am less famous, so I will probably answer, “Yeah, why?”)
I reached out my hand for the lighter.
The Uber driver said, “I hated your last article. It was shallow and silly and annoying. And what made it even more annoying is that I read it because they had wrapped my hard corns in the newspaper page, so I had constipation as a result. Meaning I couldn’t even take a dump and wipe my ass with it.”
Friends, at the time I was a newspaper columnist, one with a lot of experience. I had been writing a column for many years. One of the things you learn as a journalist is to focus on getting relevant answers to relevant questions. So I said, “Your opinion is not a lighter. I asked for a lighter.”
“You are such an awful writer I bet if you DM’d Ellah, she would not just block you,” he grumbled, handing over the lighter. “She would block herself as well because now her profile has been contaminated.”
Jane held the lighter to the corner of the card and we set it on fire. It burned briefly but viciously, as if it knew how evil it was.
“Man, your column sucks. No wonder the hard corns that were wrapped in it tasted like toenails. It was like eating the toenails of someone who wears crocs and walks through Kikoni on the way to work,” he said as we returned the lighter and I helped Jane out of the car, the back seat of which was now on fire because, well, you should not burn paper inside Vitzes with plastic upholstery.
Then we went and got another uber. Jane asked, “Aren’t you going to do something?”
“About what?” I asked. “It’s his Vitz and his lighter. Therefore it is his fire. Let him deal with it.”
“About what he said about your article,” she prompted.
This is when I realised the depths of my self esteem. That article was actually brilliant but be that as it may, we know not everyone appreciates the steez. I looked in my heart, in my soul and even in my pockets for the fuck Jane expected me to give and couldn’t find it. “Well, let him read Big Eye instead,” I decided. “Probably more his level.” And we proceeded to call a Taxify.
You know this story didn’t really have a point to it. They rarely do. I usually just come here, try to make you laugh and leave without making any trouble. Let’s do that today as well.
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Picking a password is easy. Really easy. All you have to do is turn your arms upside down, shut your eyes, raise your chin up to the ceiling and slap at the keyboard with your knuckles three times.
Whatever appears on the screen can be both your new password and, if you are expecting, your child’s name as well. Like Jsdowjfei4obyh8.w
It’s okay. A Ugandan child’s name isn’t that important these days. It is hardly ever used. The first couple of years the kid will be referred to by a cute endearment like “kabiskwiti”. Then for the school years the child will have a school nickname, like “Ragzo”. Then soon after graduation, in the twenties (aka fake adulthood) the child will be known by their social media handle, blog name or stage name, like “Spiker”. By the time they are above twenty five and are finally real human beings, they should have earned enough respect to be referred to by surname and honorific. Eg. Mister Bazanye.
No one has used my name Ernest since 2011.
We were talking about passwords:
But first a word from our sponsors:
Download this one. It’s volume two. Download it so I can go on and start on volume three. Here, click the picture, of the coloured words, or the button, or call me and I bring the PDF to your quarantine cave, either way, download the thing.
The problem is not generating the password, it is remembering the gibberish. See, the days of picking a password you can easily remember are gone– we got rid of them when hackers, phishers, and other deviants started attacking random Ugandans and stealing our email and social media accounts. You have heard the stories, unless it has happened to you. You suddenly get messages from someone claiming to be Lynda Kyomuhendo, saying she is stuck in Lagos and needs you to Western Union several hundred thousand shillings to her so she can get a plane back.
Except you know it is not Lynda Kyomuhendo because Lynda Kyomuhendo is not trapped in Lagos. She is in the bathroom. She just left the bed a minute ago and you are so addicted to your phone that the moment she was out of sight, you grabbed your phone to check notifications. You are such an addict that you check your mail in between bouts of fornication even though that is so weird and just nasty and a really bad habit. Please stop doing that. There are times for phones and times to leave the phone alone. If you need a list here is one.
Do not touch your phone:
When you are naked because you are in the toilet doing the one which takes long. Don’t even look at my whatsapp DP in that state, much less communicate with me. My DP will smell the circumstances and I will mute you.
When you are naked because you are in between bouts of lovemaking, or (since this is Kampala and many of you are, frankly, unloveable trash) ordinary fucking. Don’t weird things between us by chatting with me while you have been doing those nasty freak things you do. Come on. Have some class.
When you are driving. Because obvious reasons. Don’t text and drive.
Now, let me tell you a story.
There was this guy we used to work with. He was a despicable human being: utterly, irredeemably horrible. The scum of the earth would go “yuck!” while scraping him off their shoes with thick wads of toilet paper. He was the kind of person so rotten that his corpse would not decompose because even the bacteria would vomit him back out if they tried to eat him.
He was spiteful and snobbish and meanspirited and selfish. He was filth. He was such a bad person that if Black Lives Matter was taking place at the time we would have added a caveat: #NotAllBlacks
Okay, to be fair, he wasn’t a bad person. He was just an irritating person. But this was an office environment and in offices, the difference is very slight.
One of the least repulsive of his many aggravating habits was playing Hillsong music on his computer during work.
What? You didn’t know wicked people play Hillsong? It’s good music. Even bad people like good music.
Now, if you know the power and beauty of Hillsong music you know better than to play it on the cheap, tinny, coughing-cockroach-sounding speakers built into an early 2000s CPU unit. If you are going to play Hillsong, play Hillsong on decent speakers. Make the noise joyful. Do not take beautiful things and put them in ugly places.
Those inbuilt speakers are made for chiming the arrival of emails, or for alerting you to the crashing of Windows. If you want to play music, there was a provision for you to attach headphones. It is sacrilege to play good music on bad speakers.
The only music you are allowed to play directly from your computer is very bad music. Like Sean Fucking Kingston. If the speakers are bad enough he almost sounds as if he is on key.
So this workmate, let’s call him Sean F. Kingston because names have been changed to protect the guilty, Sean Kingston would often have to go to the lavatory during work.
This may have been a result of all the laxative herbs I would slip into his tea, soda, coffee, groundnuts or whatever he was eating or drinking after he had done something annoying. May or may not, we can’t really tell because what a man does in the lavatory is his business and his business alone.
For all we know Sean may not have been going there to release shit. He may have been going there to replenish his soul with more shit to spew at his colleagues because, as I may have mentioned, he was a really shitty person.
He was odious, malignant and vile. He was the kind of person who never gets malaria because he is so toxic, if a mosquito bites him, the mosquito dies.
When he was in the toilet, he would leave his Hillsong sounding awful at his cubicle. Those of us, like myself and my other colleague, who is badass like me, then decided that enough was enough. We were not going to endure this debasement of Hillsong when the perpetrator himself is not even present. So we swiveled our office chairs over to his cubicle.
My badass colleague, who I shall call Natasha Romanov, if you know you know, didn’t just swivel. She had to do that thing where you kind of row the office chair down the aisle with your bulegs while propelling yourself– I can’t describe it, but you know it. It’s hilarious to watch. Aaaah. Offices were fun sometimes.
When we got to Sean Kingston’s computer, we could not just switch off his music, because the computer had gone to screen lock. We needed his password to remove the badly-cropped photo he used as a screensaver. It was just his chest from the chin to the belly that blocked access to his screen.
Natasha, my partner in crime, asked me, “Hawkeye, we need to bypass the security protocols to gain access to the main control centre.” If she is going to get a superhero alias, so am I. “Roger that, ten four,” I replied in my Bruce Willis voice.
Did we have to guess his password? Was it hard? No. This is why identity theft became a thing. Due to thinking like this: “If you need a password that you can easily remember. get an easy password. Which means a password that is easy to guess.”
First we tried his name. Then we tried the name of the intern he was always sexually harassing while pretending he was being flirtatious. Then we tried “Password123” and the screen lock fell away like petals in the wake of a nuclear blast, revealing the full computer to us, open and undefended. We were free to work whatever mischief we wished to.
And so we did.
People are not born evil. People are not cats. They become evil. And not all of a sudden, it is a slippery path down to wickedness, but so seductive. We started by muting the music player, then we figured, why stop there? It was not a question. We then deleted the Hillsong files uploaded files of Limp Bizkit mp3s and renamed each of them a hillsong title and put them in the Hillsong folder.
But that was not enough.
We got into his MS Word Shortcuts and tweaked his autocorrect so every time he spelled his name it would replace the first name with “no phallus” and the second name with “frail testes”.
We got into his email and subscribed to about fourteen racist dating sites.
The road to wickedness is a seductive one. It calls you. It is nectar, it is sweet, its sukaligulu is irresistible. Those things in the previous paragraph, we did them over the course of a whole week. Over and over again. Next thing you know you are doing what we did every time Sean Kingston would go to the lavatory. We just kept making his computer worse and worse.
It was only when I suggested typing “goatse” into his search engine and leaving it there for him to press enter that Natasha made me pause to think:
What have we become?
Warning: Those of you who found the internet here when you were born will want to type that goatse word just to see what happens. Let me save you the trouble and tell you what will happen. What will happen is that you will learn that you don’t have to know every single thing means. Don’t look up that term. Do not.
I hung my head in shame. We had turned into monsters. We had become as beasts, engorged on the flesh of our victimes.
So we stopped.
No, we didn’t undo the damage. We just stopped doing more. Cos fukkim.
Now, let us make this post informative and constructive and educational with some password safety tips. Don’t use simple passwords. Get a random phrase that no cunning workmate, let alone Ukranian phisher or hacker, will be able to guess. For example, take the seventh tweet on your TL at this moment, flip the words as if you are shuffling cards for matatu, insert digits from the last fake phone number you gave or received, and then use that password to subscribe to WordPress and get notifications every time any of your favourite bloggers posts something new.
You guys, I am not going to be chasing trends so you won’t always see me being announced on Twitter, but I will be here every Friday trying to entertain you and I will appreciate it if you would join me.
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