Letter To Nairobi vol 2. Farts for Development

Dear Nairobi,

How are you guys? I heard that Kipse passed the Bar exam. The Kenya National Water and Sewerage Company must be wondering where this sudden upsurge in load came from. You had better duly inform them that after whole clans crapped their pants upon hearing the news, they decided to spend the rest of the week in the lavatory, just to save on laundry and detergent as they came to terms with the news.

I remember him as a child back in Buru Buru and the excuses he would come up with when he was caught with sugar sticking to his lips and his fingers. I remember him as a teen in Parklands and the excuses he would make when he was caught with underage alcohol on his breath. I remember him as an undergrad and the excuses he would make when he was caught with his lecturers’ daughter’s lipstick all over his head. That boy’s mouth was great at getting him into trouble but that same mouth was just as adept at getting him out of it.

Now he is a lawyer? Other people can actually come to him and hire him to use his lies for their own exoneration? We have a saying in my village: “The rat found the keys to the closet where grandma stores the grenades,” we say. We save it for situations such as this.

But we will drown under that bridge when he collapses it. For now, let us think happy thoughts. Like what a wonderful time you guys had at the Climate March last week. I saw the selfies! I don’t know if it is woke to say, given the circumstances, but Shamim was looking hot,

Guys, we should all do what we can to save the globe. Climate Change is as you say “Noma kabisa” and “Woiyee” and “Ai Jameni!” and “We’re like so totally scrizzewed, dawg” in your various colourful and graceful ways.

Here in Uganda all we are doing is mocking climate change deniers on twitter while buying more and more cars, shaving the trees off hills and smothering the lakes with plastic. I would be a bit embarrassed about this if it wasn’t for this unique and unexpected contribution to the problem you guys have offered.

Thanks to you guys, we don’t feel so bad about slowly murdering our planet. Because, as usual, Kenya has one-upped us.

You guys have been farting a lot.

Not only did I get this message from The Daily Nation:

“Rangwe MP Dr Lilian Achieng Gogo has demanded a law to combat farting on planes arguing that it can cause ‘discomfort and insecurity on board’ flights.”

But the BBC soon followed with this news:

“A heated debate about market stalls was disrupted by a foul smell and furious finger-pointing at a Kenyan regional assembly on Wednesday, local reports say.”

Kenya, what is going on? What are you eating?

I don’t want to sound intolerant, even though you guys sound lactose intolerant, but what have you been feeding your leaders if their emissions are of such potency?

We in Uganda have long looked to Kenya as role models, as something to aspire to — wow! A nation that actually changes presidents through the ballot? Ugandan tourists to Kenya scramble for bus tickets just to set eyes on the miracle that is the Kenyan voter.

But now I suspect that what we have long feared has come to pass. We, and that includes nations all over the world, have long allowed our government personnel to spew foulness into the air with abandon, to exude vile fumes without consideration. Only up to this point the fumes had been coming out of the top end of the alimentary canal in the form of words. Now that they have decided to just let the farts come out the more natural and easy route, should we be surprised?

No we should not. This was inevitable, to quote the great economist poet Thanos.

But I am sure you are thinking what I am thinking. We can use this to our advantage. Now that we know that not only do leaders go pfutt on planes and at assemblies but that they disperse at the smell, we can use this to our advantage.

Kenya, you are truly pioneers in the region, you guys have all the great ideas.

Next time we see a bunch of politicians gathering we will just serve them some beans, cheese and eggs and wait. It will only be a matter of time before the assembly is forced to disperse.

Thanks for the idea, guys. This is the best thing you have given us since the last one.

I have got to go now, because we have to gather the eggs that induce the most potent chemical reactions. That means the wild chicken of the Bulabira Jungle region of Uganda. They are not easy to catch because they are the size of goats and have teeth, but we need the best eggs for this excersise.

Please give my best regards to Hellen, Adhiambo and Richo.

Yours truly,

Ernest Bazanye,

Son of Bazanye,

Muzukulu of Sempebwa

Born of Nagawa

Also known as Elinesiti.

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