Here we find ourselves, as we rapidly succumb to the mounting FOMO for X-Men, Age of Apocalypse, the latest superhero blockbuster action spectacular to come from Hollywood to your neighbourhood kibanda, or if you live in the right parts of town, mall cinema.
Mistakes were made the last couple of times and I was not satisfied with the way you all handled yourselves at BvS and Civil War. Some of you were not ready.
This time let us get it right. So presenting:
Things You Need To Know Before You Go To See X-Men
1. Shut up in the cinema. Shut up. There is nothing you can say that would be better than what we would have heard from the actors if your big stupid face-anus was not farting at the screen.
2. Do you know trilogy? Do you know what that means? Don’t answer. We agreed that you will shut up. A trilogy is when I get make three films out of the same story.
In this case, though, it is actually not exactly the second trilogy, because when they rebooted the franchise they ended up bringing back the old players in, which makes this the sixth film in the… wait. I can see that I am frightening you with all the words like “reboot” and “franchise” which are just bewildering you further before you have even got a grasp on “trilogy.” Okay never mind. Let us say it is like a series. Or sirry as you, the type who talks in cinemas prefer to call them. You are not good at knowing how to talk, or when.
It is like 227 or Derrick or sunset beach or Mwattu or Vampire Diaries or whatever your individual age group can relate to.
What Happens Therein (Plot. So spoiler-free that some of it isn’t even accurate)
It is about some Americans who are awesome. Just way awesome. Better than all other normal people. Not only are they all hot enough to feature in the same category as Halle Berry, but they do stuff like fly, shoot lasers out of their eyes, and, in the case of Berry, tell the rain to fuck off and it obeys
However the problem is that haters gonna hate. So they government and the police and bigotry all conspire to persecute them.
Okay. Technically they are not “Americans ” Collosus, Nightcrawler, The Professor etc are from Europe.
Storm is African, but from that African country in Hollywood where they get that accent.
Wolverine is Canadian. Isn’t Canada in America? It’s okay. There is a Canadian right now who thinks Uganda is in Nigeria. Ignorance and prejudice are perpetuated when they feed on each other.
Okay, that was not right. Just because there is one ignorant person that doesn’t mean I should act ignorant too. But then again whenever I communicate with to Canada I always pretend to be Nigerian. I tell them I am the son of a prince who was deposed in a coup as usual.
Let me explain the main ones.
Wolverine: He is like Besigye. No matter how much you beat him he keeps coming back. He is indestructible. He can survive anything, even that stupid haircut.
Professor X: headmaster/ sensei/ coach of the X-Men, which I neglected to mention in time, is the name the special and gifted magical people they call themselves. Other people call them mutants, but well, if you believe Darwin, we are all mutants to some degree, so this is a massive misnomer.
His power, like mine, is thinking.
Magneto: Survivor of a Nazi concentration camp now the charismatic German leader of a movement that seeks control of the world so that it can be dominated by members of his own race.
Storm: She is usually played by Halle Berry in these films and she barely ever says or does anything. We wonder why. Is it because of Catwoman? Did they say, “Okay, you can do another superhero movie but you have to stay out of the way, deal?”
She is the one who tells the rain rain go away and it actualy complies.
Two hours and twenty-four minutes. So urinate before, and if you have trouble digesting beans, or red meat, or wine, take some Eno half the day before.
Kikonde, and CGI. They tell us that X-Men films also contain romance and comedy but I swear I can’t remember anything funny ever happening in an X-Men film ever. Except maybe this unintentionally hilarious moment.