Why would you do this to your kids?


I imagine what Gwyneth Paltrow’s kid must go through every time she goes to a café where Americans have gone to fluke free wifi and someone there is trying to sync their iTunes or whatever. When they (inevitably) shout “FUCK YOU APPLE!” she must get this very sad shock.

But North West? This kid is not going to Cambridge, no matter how smart they are.

Imagine the school interview.

Stern schoolmaster who is already not impressed by her pedigree, what with one parent who got famous doing a sex tape and then has a dumb blonde reality TV show where they are not even blonde, and the other one is one has made being a megalomaniac a lucrative career. The child of a straight-up pornstar and a straight up gangsta rapper would have a better chance.

But still, they get the interview.

Then they go.

Dean: So, Mr and Mrs West, you would like to enroll your daughter.

Kanye: Heeeiinngggh (I imagine that is the sound he makes these days. I haven’t listened to him since he became intolerable)

Kim: Wheeewhhooowhooowhoo. (I imagine that is the sound SHE makes. I have never ever listened to Kim Kardashian do anything).

Professor: Your daughter… um… (At first can’t believe what the papers before him say) your daughter North.

Kanye: Heeeignghh. Heh heh. Yes. North West. Yes. Heh heh heh.

Kim: Whooo whooo whooo.

Dean: I see. Well, I am sure it was good for a laugh, but I’m afraid, no, we shall not be accepting Miss (adopts tone) “North West” into Cambridge today.

Kanye: Heeihg? Thasss Racis! Nigga thass racis! You know who I am? You know how many grammys I gat?

Kim: Whoooowhoo?



I can imagine North West one day deciding to stand for public office. In Southeast Chicago.

But I don’t think this will happen. I can’t imagine anyone going through their whole life having to say her name twice because every time she introduces herself people give a polite laugh and then go, “But seriously, what’s your real name?”

That girl will change her name to Jennifer as soon as it is legally possible.

At least Blue Ivy will just drop the “Blue” and graduate to be Dr Ivy Carter.