Hi, it’s me again, the guy who told you why you should stop complaining and just pay up when MPs ask for fifty, (then sixty eight) million shillings per burial.
I’m back again with a similar message.
We recently discovered that in addition to sh200million each for a car, MPs also use … million shillings for toilet paper.
I have therefore returned to do my job of saying, “What did you expect?” Let me offer accountability and show you why MPs cars and TP should cost that much.
- MPs cars need to have very strongly tinted windows so that we don’t see them in traffic. Remember that we don’t like them so they have to hide. If we see them we will probably throw insults, or maybe even live pigs at them. It has become a regular habit to throw pigs at MPs, mostly at their offices, but soon we are going to realise that it is easier to just wait at the traffic junction and throw the pig at the car. MPs will have to spend extra to have pig-proof cars.
- MPs need extra-strength fibre for toilet paper. There is a blend developed by NASA, a blend of silk, carbon fibre and Singaporean cotton which is the only thing capable of handling the burden of MP shit. If you give them regular TP their bums will remain as filthy as their souls.
- Someone keeps stealing the condoms from the parliament toilets so we need special TP which can also act as a sexual contraceptive device. It costs money.
- The cars we buy MPs must have Wifi. You forgot that we gave them free iPads?
- Self-Esteem. The rest of us get our self-esteem from the work we do and the actual, demonstrable value we bring to society. MPs bring no value to society, and don’t do any useful work. Where else will they get their self esteem if not from wiping their ass more expensively than the rest of us?
- Seriously, if you saw an MP on a bodaboda, what would you do? Wouild you allow? We already know that you would throw a pig at him or her.
- They need 4 wheel drive vehicles with good shock absorbers so that they can sleepproperly in the car even when it goes over potholes. You know our MPs love to sleep.
- Let them sleep. It is cheaper. If they are awake they just spend the time giving themselves even more allowances at the taxpayer’s expense. Let them sleep.
- Airbags, seatbelts, bullguards, full servicing, roadworthy vehicles the whole shebang. We have to make sure they are safe and alive. Because we all know how much it will cost us if one of them packs.
- In fact, buy them disinfectant antibioitic toilet paper just to make sure they don’t get sick in the loo.
In other news, here’s the latest Random Chaps. From the earthquake weekend. We did not go to work last Sunday, but we’ll be back. In the meantime, do what the lovely voice says, download it. It’s ten MBs only. You ain’t too suffering for ten MB.
In this one Rudy went to a smelly sauna and caused an earthquake. That and more happened as you will be informed upon streaming/downloading this podcast. 10MB cos there were no brakes this week.