Who or what is Queen of Katwe?
Katwe is a minor monarchy situated in central central Uganda, where the crow flies upside down, where the shadows of black rock mountains tower over the night.
It is run by a cruel all-powerful matriarch called Maleficient.
Is that the right movie?
We are talking about Queen of Katwe, right? Then look at this chick here. See that?
It’s called Katwe.
Actually, mutwe, but I get you. Proceed.
This chick in Katwe was so cool that they decided to make a movie about her.
Who did? Ramon Film Productions? Please let it be Ramon Film Productions! Oh, and Mariam Ndagire. She owns and operates the best left cheekbone and the ultimate right cheekbone in the whole Ugandan hemisphere. Wait. Wait. Can I have both Mariam Ndagire AND Ramon Film Productions?
No. Settle down. The veins in your head are writhing about under the skin of your scalp and jaw in a way that makes me fear you might be an agent and this might be the matrix.
Did you know that there are adults alive and active today, walking the streets without a care, who have not watched the Matrix? Nanti it was released sixteen years ago.
Just thought I would put that out there. Now, more on the Queen of Twe.
There is a tournament called Chess, a game of war and battle, where only the mightiest and bravest and most cunning warriors get to survive. A game of skill and force and courage. Decapitation is common.
This movie has to be made by Ramon Film Productions!
It’s being made by Mira Nair.
This is her.
Oh. Mrs Mamdani. I know her. Met her at Capital Shoppers once. She was buying airtime and detergent. I couldn’t help but notice her hair smelled very nice.
Did you try to eat any of it?
No, why would…
I had to ask. Now, in this film, a small and unassuming village girl rises through the ranks of the tournament to face the evil queen in a spectacular finale.
Does she have dragons? Like other queens, including Kaleesi?
No, but she has half-horses that she has trained to attack her enemies.
You mean half-man, half-horse?
Nope. No half man. Just half horse.
That sounds like the sort of thing Ramon Film Productions would exel in the use of. Those guys made a piece of plywood demolish a skyscraper. Imagine what they would do with just half a horse.
That scene from Who Killed Captain Alex was iconic, I agree.
So what does Lupe Fiasco have to do with the movie?
He is in town right now, here in Kampala, to act as the Queen of Katwe.
Don’t we have any talented local actors who can play the role? why do we have to import actors from America?
Actually he came in from Kenya.
Some Kenyans think they are American.
I know, right?
Just wait. In a few years they will be just like the rest of us– Chinese.
This is the most illuminating and revealing talk about movies I have ever had. You are brilliant, man.
There are no strings on me.