Have you heard about the Petition! It’s all the rage! Everyone is talking abourrit! Petition this petition that! We can’t get enough of it!
That is the least subtle piece of sarcasm I have ever uttered.
However, this is a very important topic, one that must be addressed. So let’s bend over and take it like men.
What is It.
Former presidential candidate Amama Mbabazi believes that other former presidential candidate Yoweri Museveni did not actually win the recent elections and seeks to prove this to a court using a legal technique known as Petting. Hence petition.
How It Is Going.
Not as exciting as Boston Legal, Suits, Good Wife, How To Get Away With Murder or even Judge Judy would have us expect. No histrionics, no dramatic stunts and most disappointingly, no one has said “Objection, your honour, this nigga straight up trippin!”
At Least Assholes.
Yes, at some point assholes were discussed. A portion of the petition was devoted to dissecting (or, should we say “Analysing” heh heh heh ehem.) the infamous utterance of the president concerning this breed of wild feline, to whit:
“He that inserteth his finger into the asshole of a leopard he shalt release a ton of shit upon himself.”
I have paraphrased a bit, to make it a bit less graphic.
Why Only Mbabazi Not Others.
Since he is not the only one who lost, why is he the only one petitioning? Actually, he is not. The absence of evidence of other petitions is not the evidence of absence of other petitions.
Kyalya Petitioned Also.
Yes, but unfortunately it was like her campaign posters. Ain’t nobody had time for that.
Remember when, during the presidential debates, she declared that there were no women in substantial positions of authority in the current government? And then moderator Allan Kasujja asked her about Kagina, Kadaga, Kigozi, Musisi, … Lokod… wait. Not Lokodo. Lokodo has no authority..
Anyway, remember when they asked her that and she dismissed them all as dummies? She said, “Those are all dummies.”
Well, there was a Kyalya petition soon after that to have her status as a valid Ugandan woman citizen revoked on the grounds that she was wasting it. A class action contingent called Women Of Substance petitioned nti:
Being women in positions of power we are accustomed to being attacked, and having our contributions called to question. But we draw the line at being called dummies by a rag doll whose brain is apparently made out of the same dry grass as her weave
Which other petition followed?
Elton John Mabirizi petitioned court for a recount saying that some of Mbabazi’s votes were actually miscast, and were meant to be his. There is a problem Ugandans have of mistaking words with similar lettering, he said. An example he gave was the candidate who reported his abduction as an adoption during the campaigns.
How That is Working Out For Him
Unfortunately he labelled the document Partition and sent them to the Electrical Omission offices so they went to the guy at UMEME who switches off shit.
Who Is Going To Win?
Now, in other news, look at this burger. Want this burger? I can tell you where. It’s called The Bistro, right here in Kisementi. Click on the bun and follow them on twitter @thebistroug. We go and eat, man!