Name: Stella Nantumbwe
Other Aliases: Uganda
As in: Miss Uganda. So she is Ms Stella Uganda.
Height: Way up there. Mostly due to the legs, which are quite protracted. They go longer than Busta Rhymes’ career. I mean, I am not complainig but does one really really need all taht? Chick is almost Groot.
Weight: Typical of a beauty pageant contestant, negligible. I am convinced that if she were holding a 20k note to pay her hair braider in Wandegeya and there was a sudden breeze, we would find her later 200 metres away.
Haters: Oba what are they hating for? She seems pretty cool. Smart, well-spoken, and she has this ka-sly grin which is kind of cool.
Projected capacity to Handle: Being a Ugandan in BBA is not a simple task, we tell from the history of the game. Ugandan housemates have always faced a particular challenge when it comes to — what the fuck am I saying? It’s Big Brother. You sit on a sofa and drink all day and then at night you let someone sex you or others. Easiest job in the world. Even Sharon O could do it.
Odds of Winning: You make it sound like some sort of extreme sports championship competition. In case I need to reiterate what was said in the previous point, they just sit on a sofa all day and drink. Sitting on sofas getting wasted is never going to be an Olympic event.
Winner of sitting on a sofa. Of where now. That was not a question.
Further Rant: You know what this really is? It is a competition, not among the sofa surfers, but among the mobile phone users across the continent, to see who has the most SMS money to spend on obtusely angled ideas of patriotism. Basically, whoever Nigerians vote for wins.
Entertainment Value: Twitter changed the game for reality TV . Now you have to watch so you can get the jokes. And they are worth it. I cannot wait. Especially considering that the most wit I expect from BBA Housemates concerning Uganda is repeated allusions to Rihanna’s old song.