Who or what is Lupita Nyong’o?



Now, over the next few years you will hear a lot more about this girl who has already filled nearly every breatheable inch of the glamorsphere since the movie 12 Years A Slave was filmed. But before we get into any further discussion we must nail one fact down.

It’s Lupita Nyong’o, dammit.

Not Lou Peeduh Een yongow.

If a cabal of chronic target-missers is going to apply a dubious accolade that bears tonnes more prestige than its actual feather weight would merit is going to pay our people the compliment of its little statuette, then let us at least be the only continent where her name is pronounced correctly.

Now, we can proceed.

Lupita wais a ubiquitous Barbie doll, it seems, who woke up every day in a newsroom stock photo computer folder and was quickly dressed in something fancy and then displayed on a carpet for publication on the internet. Every day a new gown in a different colour.

She is also a really really really good actress, apparently.

And more charming than Chiwetel Ejiofor because she gets booked for all the interviews instead of him, and it’s him who was the slave in the movie’s title.

Lupita made her name in Shuga the controversial MTV TV project about AIDS-at-risk Kenyan youth that would never be allowed in Uganda becauase lately our lawmakers have taken to making being realistic illegal. They think that it will make Ugandans more moral if they can’t get any recorded, published, broadcast or displayed depictions of sexual activity.

Please. Ugandans don’t need porn to be debauched. They just need their own and each other’s genitals and boom! AIDS epidemic in the biwuding.

Anyway, back to Lupita. After Shuga she turned up in 12 Years a Slave, this phenomenal film, and won an Oscar for it, proving that she really is good.

Yes, I know you thought you just heard me disparage the Oscars, but you must understand how this works. The Oscars often fail to notice great work, seminal films that have gone on to be landmarks in the landsape of pop culture history, but though they often miss the hit, you have to admit, they never hit the shit. They still get the awards to someone who deserves one.

They are not like the fucking idiot Grammys. Those morons would give the award for best single to the burp of the first fat maggot to burrow its way out of Peter Cetera’s brain two weeks after he has been shot dead and left to rot in a ditch in Pheekle, Alabama in November next year.

We expect this to mean that Lupita will have a better Hollywood career going forward than even Chiwetel, who, even after starring in his own Oscar Winning movie is still going to continue being “hey, it’s that guy from thingy, what was that other thing? Thingy!” forever.

Lupita, meanwhile, can currently be seen in Non Stop, a film in which Liam Neeson plays a badass who shoots guns in special effects that I am going to watch before I even watch 12 Years A Slave.

Oh, did I give you the impression that I saw it already? Oh, no. I was just told she was good. Me I haven’t seen.