I’m Fabiola, this is my left hip and this is my right hip and were are here to welcome you to our brand new show:
Be My Ex!
Wild applause. Hips appreciate it very much. Left one curtseys.
Fabz: That other show with the other station where they condone immorality as much as you want as long as nobody whatsapps the boss photographic evidence, we are done with that. We have a new show, on a new station. On SUIT TV!
Wild applause. Someone screams.
Fabz: That’s not the only difference. Instead of shady bachelors and bachellorettes lining up to drool over my chosen piece of meat, this show is way more bloody.
Let’s bring out the Sidos!
Applause. Wild type. Someone screams. Four people pass out from excitement.
Klevis, 28. Ssonko, 31. Ron 26. OJ, 30. Rijadi, 22
Fabz: Each one of you believes that you are Margaret’s boyfriend. And you are all kind of correct, considering that , unlike the usual strays, she has fucked y’all more than twice.
Applause. Someone dies.
Let’s meet Margaret. It’s Margaret, everybody!
Margaret sashays out.
Fabz: Hi Margaret. Most strains of Ugandan STIs have gone through you. You are like a clap airport. How do you feel about this?
Margaret: As long as the STI comes with a good firm chawing rugby-style, I will be fine. But this show is sponsored by Ernest Bazanye’s Sexual Health Advocacy Initiative which urges the general public to tone down on the crazy slut shit. Three to four and no more.
So, if you want our funding, you are going to have to dump one of these loers. Are you ready to play Be My Ex?
Wild applause. Three people break the time-space continuum.
Fabz: Sidos, tell us why you should not be dumped today.
Klevis:All these inches of hardwood, baby? You are going to just walk away?
Margaret: Meh. I can do better than five.
Ron: I buy for you ayatayim. I pay for you yaka. I subscribe your jesteevee. And now that I go?
Margaret: But your breath always smells of Bekhams. I can’t.
OJ: These guys may buy you nice things, take you to nice places, but, shorty, none of them will ever love you like I love you.
Margaret: But you love me kinda weakly. Won’t even let me talk during Fifa?
Ssonko: You threadbare, misallocated biatch! you had for other niggas?
I was going to tell you. I just never got around to it.
Rijadi: Maggie, if you dump me what will we do about the Mifi? I know it’s yours, but I already loaded my data on it. There are still two weeks left.
Fabz: Maggie, you have to make a choice. Which of these fuckboys will be ditched?
Wild Suspense. Three audience members rupture spleens.
Maggie: I have decided to give the cooch to Baz exclusively. He needs it bambi.
Applause. Kanye West storms out.
Fabz: And now let’s welcome our next stank ho. It’s Martin!
Applause. Just a bit less wild.
Fabz: Martin, you sleep around so much, you made Lou Bega retire. you sleep around so much, HIV is scared of catching you. You sleep around so much I bought shares in a toothbrush factory.
Martin: This is true. I fuck anything that walks. If it walks that means its legs can be separated.
Fabz: But our sponsor says three to four and no more, so you have to dump the rest. Are you ready to play Be My Ex?
Martin: Let us try.
Line of women walk past. They are all talking to each other in incredulous tones like, “You too?” “Eh, gwe, even you?” “Hey, I know you! You were on the Pioneer with me on Thursday!” “But nga you are short? How did he reach your…”
Fabz: So, make your choice, Martin, you incorrigible harlot.
Martin: Fabz, what are you doing after the show?
Fabz: Stupid! I will kill you if you even think about it!
Martin: But I don’t have a smartphone. I never saw the…