Verbatim vs Verbatim. Not A Visit, A Home Invasion

The following took place at Chez Baz, where our hero was trying to get some work done in peace. It was not easy because the kid from the neighbourhood, a small, lightskinnded, pre-verbal but recently perambulatory boy, was wandering about the compound and now found himself entering my sitting room.


Baz: Not now, Kevin. I’m busy editing Caramel Ninja videos.

Neighbour’s Kid: Kebby.

Baz: Kevin. That’s you. Because you are like Kevin the minion.

Neighbour’s Kid: Minyo.

Baz: I call you that because you are small, yellow, and I can’t understand most of what you say.

Neighbour’s Kid: Baby bah bah.

Baz: Don’t touch that. Do you even know what it is? No. At your age, you don’t even know what most things are.

Neighbour’s Kid: Gaa boog.

Baz: That, you Recent Arrival, is my greatest domestic accomplishment, my pride and joy, my raindrops and roses and whiskey on kittens, my favourite thing in this house at all times except for when my special lady friend stays over. It is my ne plus ultra, my cest ultimate, my kile la mwisho, my kennyinni ka ddala.

Neighbour’s Kid: Dollar?

Baz: It was expensive because it was specially imported. That is my digital projector, Future Leader. I put the film in this USB port and then it flashes the whole thing onto the wall… wait. I see what you are doing. You are trying to trick me into showing you how it works so you can stay here and watch your homies in Despicable Me 2! You are cunning. When you grow old enough to use words you will con many people out of many things. Shrewd.

Neighbour’s Kid: Shooo!

Baz: You say that word as if you understand it but every time you come to my verandah I say it to you and you ignore me.

Neighbour’s Kid: Ago ago ago. We fwan ju.

Baz: Mandarin? I don’t know.

Neighbour’s Kid: Shooooo

Baz: Look, Pan, you have to leave now. Things to do abound and your presence hinders their progress. You remember the way you came in? Rewind that.

Neighbour’s Kid: No.


(Meanwhile I don’t know this kid’s parents. I just call them the Grus.)



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