Are you ready for the presidential debate that we are going to have between the people who want to be president and those who are not going to be president? Have you paid your yaka? Have you migrated your digits? All set? Well, even if you are not ready, here is the transcript of what is going to happen. Ready or not. Here it comes.
First Speaker, Kizza Besigye: Ladies and gentlemen first of all I would like to thank you for this opportunity to address my fellow Ugandans on this occasion of the presidential debate of 2016. My name is Kizza Besigye and I am standing for the office of President of Uganda. Today I am here to propose the motion “Agende.” What the f…. What the helll! Ouuuch! My eyes! My eyes! !! I have never been teargassed indoors before! Kayihuuuurrraaa!!
Moderator Alan Kasujja: That was our first speaker. We now give the floor to the next speaker. Amama Mbabazi.
Amama Mbabazi: Ugandans, JPam in the house! Dot Com candidate! Where ma tweeps @? Like, share, RT!
Besigye: How come he doesn’t get teargassed?
Amama: How come YOU dress like a turnboy?
Alan Kasujja: Can we focus on the debate, please?
Moderator Nancy Kacungira: Why is everyone asking questions? Is it question time?
Amama: Here’s a question– Kasujja, you are like mob feet tall, how do you manage to doggy?
Alan Kasujja: Amama, current speaker, your time is up. You wasted it asking stupid questions.
Nancy Kacungira: Our next debator is, well, wouldn’t you know it, it’s the actor who played Steve Urkel in 1990s sitcom Family Matters!
Baryamureeba: Actually, that was a guy called Jaleel White. My name is Venasius Baryamureeba.
Kacungira: Sorry. Our next debator is Ven.. Vans…Vaselineus Baryamureeba…
Kacungira: Vas..Vasectomius Baryamureeba.
Kacungira: Vitalstatistix Baryamureeba.
Barya: Why the hell do I even bother with this shit?
Kasujja: That is what everyone has been wondering since you first announced your candidature.
Kacungira: That’s all the time we have. There is no other candidate, right?
Kasujja: Nope. That’s it.
Bwanika, Biraaro, Mabirizi, etc: Hey! We are also here! We also count!
Kacungira: Heh heh. You think you do. But you really don’t.
Bwanika, Biraaro, Mabirizi, etc: We are also candidates for president!
Kasujja: Heh heh. You think you are, but you’re really not.
Kacungira: Don’t we have Museveni in this debate?
Kasujja: Of where? We called him and told him that the motion was Agende and asked if he was going to come and oppose it. He was like, I’ve been president for thirty years and you want me to start being in opposition? And he laughed and hung up.
Kacungira: This has been the Uganda Decides Presidential Debate. Brought to you by Ernest Bazanye Institute For African Leardership Studies. Always remember to Vote Wisely. Unless it is Big Brother Africa, then vote foolishly. Because foolishness is what makes Big Brother work.
Kasujja: From me and everyone else here on this blog, goodnight.
Besigye: And from me, heeeeeeelp!