We begin by addressing all Ugandans in their full multitude:
Greetings, countrymen, countrywomen!
We proceed, then, by addressing FDC Ugandans specifically.
Hail Kiiza! Get it?
Like hail Caesar. You know? Kale I workshopped that joke even. Anyway…
We have seen how keen and devoted you are to improving Uganda and ridding it of those aspects of its character of which you do not approve. The specific aspects, as far as I can gather are:
- Museveni’s hat
- Museveni himself
- The slightest whiff of Museveni.
The word on the street is that the latest strategy (since election and protest don’t work against people who rig and teargas) is to call for a boycott of NRM sympathisers. Especially the ones who sang Tubonga Nawe, that dreadful-beyond-tolerance song that was supposed to be a Sevo campaign anthem but sucked too much for anyone to allow.
Man. What a shite song that was. Dully repetitive, thematically banal, artistically void and it made me wish my ears could vomit out bad sound.
I concluded that it was not meant for NRM supporters. It was actually designed to brutalise the opposition. Just to drive Besigye crazy.
Fortunately it was so shit so no one ever played it. But now nti you want us to boycott the other music of all the musicians who were in it.
Boss. Julianna? Nope.
Even if she stormed into a Church of Uganda orphanage and kicked each and every baby in the back of the head while yelling “I hereby convert this try!” and did this on a weekly basis before retiring to a shrine in Ggaba to drink blood while making that “Nshrroooo” slurping noise from the mug, I would NEVER abandon Juliana. Never ask me to chose or you will lose.
And now Iryn Namubiru.
It is widely known by everyone who has seen the tears I openly weep whenever an Iryn song reaches the third stanza that I am a devout Iryn fan and will follow her to the ends of the audible earth. Weren’t you there when I told you? If Iryn did a condom advert I would quit my abstinence, skip faithfulness and slut my way through as many packs as I can get my hands on.
King Saha? I am cool with boycotting King Saha. I don’t even know what he has sang, or rapped, or whatever he does– he might be a jazz musician or like David Guetta and he doesn’t even do vocals, I don’t know. Never heard him. I guess I have been boycotting him all along.
Bebe Cool has a beyhive. Bebe Cool is the only person in Uganda who has more manic supporters than Kizza Besigye. Bebe Cool does not need my support. He is fine. So many people love Bebe Cool and love him so hard, that I can boycott Bebe all day and he won’t even notice.
I don’t think you are allowed to boycott Pastor Bugembe. Especially if you are not boycotting Sheebah Karungi. You can’t let the Lord see you dancing to Sheebah Karungi after you refused to dance to Pastor Bugembe. You think NRM regime is bad? Let’s see how you feel about this special circle of hell.
There was a time a few years ago when I tried to be a Radio and Weasel hater, but I could not. That stuff they make is too catchy. It is like trying to resist heat. It is like trying to boycott temperature. If it is in the area you will catch it. You will find yourself singing along. You will find yourself liking it. Let’s not kid ourselves. No one is boycotting Goodlyfve or however they are spelling it this week.
So what are we going to boycott?
I guess we could ask, at this point, about the fairness of the whole thing. The musicians are not the ones who rigged the elections, after all. They were just practicing their rights to voice their support, and to villify them because they don’t share our views is just intolerant and undemocratic.
If, however, that guy of Tetubatya. was on that song I would boycott it. I would teargas myself in protest even. I hate that song.
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