To Bad Black: Dear Shanita, What’s Next, Babe?

 

Shani! Nalu!

You’re back, huh! Wow! Is it really you?

It’s hard to tell. You look so different. I mean we sent a black woman in and out comes a raw plucked chicken.

You are bleached so bright and oily white that when you came on to the TV screen my yaka dropped five points. When i asked what up it said UMEME was charging more to broadcast the extra light.

Were you executed in there? Is this your ghost?

I mean we have all heard that Orange is the new black but…

(wait. Let me first tweet that.)

With those painted eyebrows you looked like a pre ticked ballot.

Shanita, you went in Gru, came out a minion.

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Well, you are out now, and the speculation is rife. What is she going to do next? Is she rehabilitated? Reformed? Is she going to go back to her old ways?

Obviously not, though. You can’t go back to turning tricks on Speke Avenue. You bleached your skin so white that if you stood under one of Jennifer’s new street lights no one would even see you. And how many customers does an invisible hooker get?

I don’t think you should go back to those old games, either. I think life is best lived facing… or whatever is left of face after all the melanin has been scrubbed out with prison jik… forwards towards the future.

We must ask ourselves, what lessons have we learned? What do we know now that will make us better?

You defrauded a customer / lover of yours of millions of shillings. You made him give you money to invest in real estate, and instead you partied it all away.

What was your mistake? Some say it was the way you used the money.

I think deeper than the ordinary gangsta, Shanita, that’s why I am the OG.

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Your mistake was committing the crime of fraud.

You committed the wrong crime, Nalu.

See, you have an enviable skill set. You got a British dude to give you a lot of money, which you then spent on purposes other than the intended.

So Why are you being a fraudster instead of a cabinet minister?

Why are you wasting this talent on fraud instead of corruption?

Getting donor funds and misusing them? You would thrive in cabinet.

 No one goes to jail for corruption in Uganda. Well, only like three people out of the thousands out there, and they go to the special luxury suite of Luzira, which they have DSTV and pizza delivery and the other inmates, the chicken thieves come and do their laundry.

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So this is what we are going to do. You are going to become an opposition firebrand. Next government Besigye will make you minister of health, and we will be in things.

 

Oh, in other news…

Remember the last time we voted for things? That didn’t turn out so great. Yeah. We ended up in petitions. But that doesn’t mean we should give up hope. Voting is still your right, and you should vote wisely, for Comedy Files for best youtube videos in the world ever president king miss Uganda winner NBA slamdunk champs and everything else.
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