Things Ugandans Need To Stop Doing No. I-III

Do you know how come it is that we are all so keenly aware of the vast extents of your stupidity? It is because we have all read that now-classic definition of stupidity on facebook. As in, if you keep doing the same thing again and again while expecting different results the next time.

You keep doing shit that doesn’t work, expecting it to suddenly kick into gear by some special miracle, as if Dr Who will swoop in and alter the continuum. That is thick, man. You should stop doing it. Dumbass.


Presenting: Things You Need To Stop Doing.


Trying To Sell Love Tips Over SMS

This was a sketchy plan from the beginning. First of all, it has always been cheaper to just sms your most slutty friend and ask  him or her for advice than it has been to subscribe to some service that doesn’t even know what your individual problem is. At least your friend can offer you real advice, like, “You are being too nice, toughen up”, or “You are too short, lengthen yourself” or “Brush your teeth before you talk to guys, Betty. You need to get into brushing them.”

The love tips dispensed by SMS don’t even know that you are gay, so how can they advise you?

And this was before the internet heaved its tonne of pupu into the plot. Now you don’t even have to sms Phillip. Just google a few details into the internet and it will not only tell you why you are dying of thirst, it will even offer you exactly the kind of porn you need.


Okay, not everyone has a smartphone. But, really, if you have money to waste on love tips sms, you can save up for an ideos.


Trying to Kickstart A Showbiz Career on Big Brother


Since Gaetano did it, everyone thinks that all it takes to get that break is a couple of months on BBA, then the world will see how special they really are, what an astoundingly magnificent princess it was that was hidden under this dusty bushel all along. And then The World will thrust adoration and fame and lust upon them, and The Industry will lavish them with gigs and sponsorships and endorsements and traffic jams.


Over the years this has been shown to successfully work for… let me calculate… x number of years by y number of housemates,  minus number of repeated appearances, factor in the number of votes multiplied by the rate of acceleration of mobile phone penetration in each country and inflation average on the continet and you get… Zero. Zero niggas have become career celebs after Big Brother.


What happens to most is that after the show a dude or chick is known as “former Big Brother contestant” for two months, then even if you were caught in a foursome with a Pepe Kale pygmy and two nuns covered in movit jelly and screaming the national anthem while orgasming in the middle of Freedom Square Taswalu won’t bother to mention it. Well, maybe she will make a passing reference to the pygmy, if he is well hung.


Expecting Zebra Crossings To Work


In Uganda people respect money, not manners and not rules or rights. So as long as an Ipsum is worth more than your Fila Sneakers from Usafi market, nobody is going to stop for you. Tell Jennifer if you want but Ipsum drivers don’t give a shit. They will make her run across, too.

(Caveat. Okay, this is a bit as if recycled. I was going through old drafts and found this– It’s what I wrote on January 4th 2014. This was before you-know-who happened)