The Year In Review

Isn’t this where every reputable news outlet, or blog, or any site that has the gall to aggrandise itself publishes a year in review piece? I shall not be left out. Rewind Selecta.

Jan


The year starts on a scandalous note when Socialite celebrity couple break up after weeks of open feuding. Jennifer Musisi and Elias Lukwago officially split up in January in what Ethichs and integrity minister Mary Luswata calls “Shya!”

Feb

Global movie indystry celebrates The Academy Awards, and Africa wins its first Oscar.
The award goes to Golola Moses for his performance in The Expendables, where he played the role of Wesley Snipes in the parts where vwesley was being beaten up.

March

SsuspectedEbola scare reported in Uganda. Specifically on Acacia avenue in Kampala. This prompts the pub Bubbles Olearys to take to takev safety measures and restrict entrance, basing on the theory that Ebola is transmitted through melanin.

 

April

Opposition party FDC removes Kizza Besigye from position as party president. Besigye was replaced after he was found at his home, naked, teargassing himself, leading even more people to question whether he actually even knows what he is doing.
Dude, you’re supposed to be winning, not losing!

May

Former Army intelligence chief General David Sejusa, then residing in London, appears on an episode of So You Think You Can Dance. Turns out he can’t.

June

First recorded full Lunar eclipse of the sun occurs exclusively in Uganda, conclusive proof that Sevo has mighty magic powers and is the Chosen One. Subsequently Sevo crowned sole NRM candidate for coming elections.

July

Big Brother Africa reality TV show continues to entertain Ugandans as slum dwellers interred in posh hostel are left to utter obscenities at one another until Africa realises that it’s not just poverty, ignorance and disease; it’s also these guys.

August

Makerere university police shoots unarmed black teenager. Or so you would think from all the hullabaloo the little thugs threw up. Instead it turned out that, with the expanding population of students and rising costs of maintenance, the university decided to cut spending on their lunch. Government will give them some money, they will find the rest.
Result was a riot so massive you would think apartheid had been introduced.

In related news, Uganda considers raising admissions age for makerere to an age at which brats are mature kko.

September

Third tier semi-celebrities take the social media by stor… Rather, by light drizzle when digital photos of themselves are distributed by WhatsApp to idle phone users who seem fascinated to find that these singers may not have talent, but they certainly have genitals

October

Priest-turned-Minister has his trousers disturbed by the sight of woman’s knees at the Garden City junction, leading him to finally enter puberty. So annoyed is he by the mess it caused, that he has a law passed to make female legs illegal.
Uganda gives not a single fuck about him or his bill.

November

Uganda internet hits new record of awesomeness as Random Chaps podcast becomes a stable weekly release. Starring the only two English speaking media stars not included in the cast of Beneath The Lies, Random Chaps proceeds to repair the crack Kim Kardasian made when she tried to break the internet by showing us what we all already knew.

December

Annual goat and poultry genocide season goes off without a hitch. No chicken is spared. All of them are eaten. Well done, Uganda.

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