Well, I was just walking around in my neighbourhood, being broke and hungry, when I walked past this compound that had a chicken in it. The chicken clucked at me and I am no linguist but it was clear what it was saying. I guess hunger sparks the brain’s neural patterns and enables you to interpret the languages of small animals like poultry.
The chicken was looking at me, blinking its eyes, shaking its butt, flapping its wings and taunting me. It said, “Now look at this one. I am so delicious and he is so hungry and yet he is just going to walk by. I swear. Humans are stupid.”
“Shut up, fowl!” I yelled. “You will not seduce me from the path of righteousness. I am not your owner and therefore cannot eat you!”
It clucked again, however, this time, meaning, “Well, that path you are on has no noticeable food on it. And as far as I am concerned, my owner is the human being who bes in this compound…”
Next thing I knew I had climbed over the fence and was standing in the compound next to the chicken. “Oh my. I am the human in this compound. I guess that makes you my chicken. Let’s go and make lunch,” I said.
The hen clucked and we were just about to climb over the fence and head to my kitchen when a bunch of other people showed up, threw stones at me, almost lynched me and finally brought me here. I never got to eat that hen.
Well, I was at a take away in town minding my own business, when I noticed that the person who had been dining at the table near the kitchen had left their phone behind. Now, leaving a phone on a restaurant table so close to the food preparation area is just unhygienic, because they have so man germs on them, so I picked it up before it could spread bacteria to the food.
I noticed that it was an android phone, and it had Angry Birds on it, so I began to play. It has been ages since I saw Angry Birds, because, well, who has Angry Birds these days? I was getting really close to the high score when I noticed that the battery was running out. What if the owner of the phone came back and found that I had depleted their battery, yet they needed to make important phone calls? I would have to go home and recharge the phone now. I was quite mad at Angry Birds for making me have to go all the way back home in the middle of the day.
They barged in as I was putting it in my pocket. I tried to explain that I was just going to charge it but they would not listen.
Well, you know those medicines they give sick kids so they don’t die? Yeah, I stole about a shitload of that.
By shitload I mean a few million shillings worth. I lived in a house with a computerized toilet running IOS