The Rain Is Raining. How To Survive El Nino

You may have noticed, if not from the tadpoles swimming around above your television, then from the puddles of fecal water gathering under your dining table, or, if not from either of those, then at the very least from the intensely awesome sleep you have been enjoying the past few mornings, that the El Nino rains are here and they have flooded the city.

It’s fantastic. The fish in that pond in Garden City escaped and were last seen in Namuwongo.

But apart from the wonderful opportunities it gives us to swallow tulo by the gallon and not even worry about being late for job because fukkit, we know the boss is late as well, there are challenges that come with living in a city that, for the next few months, will not know any thing dry except:

  • Besigye: Kale that man is Dry. He just goes and says he is going to be president. He doesn’t know we already have one? Shya.
  • Zari: I said I would never make a Zari joke, but well, it is what gets the likes, so there. I have made the joke. Like this post on facebook and twitter. You know it’s funny.
  • Everything else will be drenched, drowned, damp, dripping and dolorously wettened by all this water. We must deal with it.

How? You ask. Well, glad you did. Because I have a blog post detailing the answers you need.

Get a duvet. You have been managing with a blanket and or a lover’s fat for the past few years. That was all you needed to keep you warm at night. But neither blanket nor Margaret’s ponderous boobs will be enough this time. Cos Maggie’s boobs are also going to be cold. You need to step up your bed linen game and do what white people do… Get a french-pronounced cover for your bed.

Get more hard liquor. Beer is great for patriotic getting-turnt-edness, but at times like this, you need more. You need actual liquid fire. The kind of thing that you drink and feel like you are swallowing something nuclear. That thing you drink and you grit your teeth and squint your eyes and go “AAAAH!” and get superpowers and finally tell all the barmaids that you want them bent over now now. It is time to forget your posh ways and go down to the kiosk and get some satchets.Screenshot 2015-11-02 at 5.38.03 PM

Pronouce it Sa-Chet. Not sashay. This is no time to show off.

Screw your Yaka. Get gas. UMEME loses some of its functionality when it rains. I don’t know how this happens but when it rains, and there is too much water coming in to the country, this nation stops transmitting hydro-electricity. You shall find yourself on several mornings without the means to boil water for your breakfast, or your morning shower.
Do NOT cut water. Do NOT think you can get away with not bathing because you think it’s cold and therefore you are not sweating. Don’t do that to us. We do not deserve that. Get a gas cylinder, boil water, and wash your stanking ass, you filthy maf. We don’t need this.

Jennifer Musisi: She is a rich woman who lives in a rich house where she is so rich that she probably can’t afford any of the inconviniences that come with El Nino. We already saw that she is so rich she does not even realise that we don’t have pavements and have nothing to walk on since she covered every useable surface of the city with grass and stationed Agent Zzike and his cohorts at sniper points around town to arrest us if we are seen walking on the grass and not on the road itself where Klugers and Prados will come speeding by and break our legs.

Screenshot 2015-11-02 at 6.11.38 PM
Jennifer is so rich that to her the city is made up of cars and places that need beauty. What the fuck is walking? Pedestrian bye biki?
So don’t expect her to care about the fact that if cars are half-submerged in Lake Jinja Road, then this means people who don’t have cars are entirely drowned under them. Just put your affairs in order and say whats up to the ancestors.