The Main Ugandans: Who Or What Is Kizza Besigye.

There are thirty eight million two hundred and twenty nine thousand forty five Ugandans in viable existance at the moment. Although, if you want to be explicitly Ugandan, that will be eight million, two h undred and twenty nine thouthands forty five.


With such a large number of lumpen scabs running around, how do you keep tabs on them all? You don’t. You sitcher ass down and let the experts do their job. We are going to pinpoint the main Ugandans, the ones you need to know about, and keep you posted about them.


So here we are. The Main Ugandans. Number 2. Kizza Besigye.


Name: Kizza Besigye.

Alias: The Incredible Hulk, Nigga With Attitude, Eyes of Sauron, His Excellency President Kizza Besigye (Lol), Warren, Kifeefe, Honeybunch.

Age: 59

Origin: The Land of Rancour in the Kingdom of Strife. Where no peace is, where no stillness lies. This is a country where kavuyo is in such plenty that they even export it. Every time you have a nightmare, chances are it came from here. When people from there leave, they leave with their cultural practises and settle with them wherever they go.


images (1)Occupation: Presidential Aspirant. That’s all he has done for the past twenty years. Aspire to be President. I had a talk with him once. I said, “Son, why not oba just chill that vuyos of simanyi what president? Nga it’s not happening. Let’s just open a sports betting shop.”

But he doesn’t listen to anyone.


I said, “Homeslice, you have been trying to be president since I was young. You are no closer to it than I am to finally getting Sylvie Owori into my bed for sweet lovemaking I fantise about. And I don’t even want Owori any more. I did when you first stood for president, but it’s been twenty years. After twenty years people get over stuff. LIke my obsession with Owori’s hips. Over that. You should get over things, too dawg. You see where I’m going with this? I let Sseya take Owori. You should do the same thing. Let Sseya run for president. I am not the only Ugandan who wants to see what Sseya will look like under teargas.


It will be hilarious.


Heh heh. I am already laughing.


But Besigye, he never listens to anyone.


Modus Operandi: Unstoppable Force. You may argue that Besigye is not unstoppable. You may say that he is stopped every time he tries to leave his bathroom. I bet Uganda Police has undercover rats in his house to teargas him in his sleep.

But the fact that he still tries, means he has never stopped. He can’t stop. Won’t stop.


End Result: The end result of Besigye is unknown. Even he doesn’t know it. Leading prognosticators suggest that if Besigye ever manages to get into State House his first act as President will be to google, “How To Run A Country”. Every time we ask him his plan, he dodges the question. If only he would dodge teargas the way he dodges that question.