There are millions of Ugandans. Some rumours even suggest that the actual number may exceed 37 millions. That’s a lot of crazy wild chaps, obviously. How do you keep tabs on the entirety of this imbroglio, on the full substance of this chaotic mass and tangle?
You just don’t. You just don’t. What you do is you rely on expert analysts and researchers such as myself to identify the main Ugandans and keep you informed of their status.
Presenting. Ugandans. The Main Ones.
Name: Desire Luzinda.
There has been some controversy over her age, with the mathematically astute wondering how a person can be 25 years old more than once, and in fact stay 25 consistently for nine years. The answer is here, in the next paragraph.
Desire Luzinda was not born 25 years ago. She was not born at all. Instead she was manufactured. Manufactured according to very close specifications. A hipsy, rose-lipped, 25-year-old singer, said the order sheet, who was to be molded out of a single perfect block of pure sex appeal.
That is why she is always 25.
Other occupations: Single-handedly constitutes a significant portion of the local Brazilian hair weave import market.
Social Value: Songs and Hips like that.
Quality of Songs: There-there. Some of them are really good, but not Sheebah good. Just like, you won’t say “Maaso awo” and stomp out in protest when they come on while the taxi is playing Super FM.
Seriously: Okay, I really liked Mubiite. But since then I haven’t really been moved soooo so much. I still think she’s good, but she needs that one ooomph song. Maybe she should hook up with Goodlyfe. And hope that Weasel doesn’t make her pregnant. He seems to make everything pregnant. Not that a Weasel baby is such a terrible thing, but no, don’t sully Desire with Weasel seed. Uganda doesn’t want that.
Thing in her nose: Suspected to be a USB port.
Criminal Record: Uganda’s greatest idiot attempted to have her arrested for having featured in a photograph without clothes. But sense prevailed.