The Guy Who Steals Phones At Nakawa. Tell Him This:


Oswald is the guy who steals phones from taxi passengers on Nakawa Road, during the late-evening traffic jam.

He lurks in the darkness and strikes when you least expect it. Like a mosquito. He is low-life, low-level crook. I think he suffers from low self-esteem as well, because so would you if you were him.

Has not stolen my phone yet, but I still take it personally, because if people get their phones stolen, that means less visitors to my blog. I need people to hit this blog and share on twitter and FB so that next time I do a restaurant review I get paid for it because my traffic has hit four million.



Stealing the phone itself is is not a massive issue, if we must be perfectly honest. Like you, I am very well-compensated for my professional services. I am a veteran journalist not a phone thief. I am not desperate. If you steal my phone today, I will still have enough money to buy a new one.


The problem is not the phone, it is what is in it. I wish Oswald and his ilk would show some respect and follow protocol. Mbaffs.


1When you steal the phone, please  check our whatsapp groups. It’s not fun to have to explain to people like Beatrice, Nagawa and Spec, especially Spec who is a fetid and rotten bitch and she actually prefers to despise you than to be cool with you like how buddys be. So if you go quiet in the middle of  convo she will not be merciful.

Thief, when you get to the half-crumbled abandoned pit latrine that your destitute self lives in, look at the phone and see what the whatsapp is saying. If Spec is like, “Why don’t you answer me? Don’t act like you have not seen my message. It shows blue ticks. Two Blue Whatcu Wannado?” Then you should respond as follows.

“apologies madam but this is not Alex. I have just stolen his phone. If you need to get in touch with him I left him in a taxi on the way to either ntinda or kireka. He’s currently in nakawa around spear. All unconvinced regretted.

You can leave the caps out, after all, no one expects you to be educated.


Our bundles and data: Some of us load daily. Nze I always ask Anita The Airtel Chick to fix me up with 2k because, as I said, I am well-renumerated for my professional services and therefore cannot live a life where I don’t watch any youtubes when I feel like. So I get the 2k, load 100MB and blast.

Now, if you steal the phone when the bundle is not yet finished, do not do that idiot sideways-buttwipe move of switching it off immediately.

Have the decency to at least open a soundcloud stream and game the bundle properly. Or put on the hotspot function and tell all your fellow phone thieves to tether and let them all watch my youtube channel. I have one, by the way. It is a bit dormant now, because I can’t decide whether I am egotistical enough to call it Baz TV or not.


By the way, Kill Your Bundle.

This is my boy Kim, aka the Next, aka Lil Kev. Comedy on Ugandan internets is rife.


And if you were at Blankets and Wine, you know MoRoots is the bizzomb. If not, listen to this and you will find out.


Scratch 2k of airtel data and you will be like me, a bawse, who enjoys all this good stuff in even 4g.


Sim Cards: Do you have any idea how tedious it is to go through the process of reclaiming a lost number? It is excruciating. Because it involves the police. “Hi, popo. I would like to report my lost mobile phone number.”

Four hours later.

“I have just reported my lost mobile phone number.”

Oswald, do this. When you steal the phone, as you scutter away into the bushes like the mangy infected half-toothed rat you are, note where you left me, and later in the night, just bring the card back and leave it there. Don’t worry. Just leave it there in the dust. I will find it.

Finally, stop stealing phones, you goat’s son. For shame. The economy is teeming with legit job opportunities. I keep telling people to wash my car for five k but instead they just want to steal my phones. Mbaff, as I said before. Tumbaff.