The Breakdown Uncut.

So I got a new column in Friday’s New Vision pullout. It’s called The breakdown and here is a sample. (Bows and coughs, and begins)

Last weekend Ronald Kibuule, Minister for Youth Affairs and Mukono South MP told Ntungamo yourth that he has asked the police to stop arresting rapists. What was he on? Ernest Bazanye discussed the fallout with Kibuule investigator Ernest Bazanye.


Q: Who is Ronald Kibuule?

A: A 27 year old polygamist.

Q: What does he look like?

A: Oh,  he is very  attractive! What a handsome devil! I wouldn’t blame any girl if she just grabbed him one day and threw him to the ground and just ravished him.

Q: You must be joking. Just because something is desired doesn’t absolve from blame he who takes it by force.

A: Don’t worry. Kibuule would be cool with it.

Q: Really?

A: Yup. While speaking at the launch of Kajara Youth Development Cooperative and Savings Society in Ntungamo on Saturday he said rape is okay as long as the woman is wearing  a short skirt.

Q: Really?

A: Yeah. That old trope about rape victims are asking for it. But he took it further by saying, “I have talked to the IGP and the police in Kampala to see that if a woman is raped they look at how she was dressed. If she is dressed poorly and is raped, no one should be arrested.”

Q: Really?

A:  You know, when I steal things from people I always blame them for having nice stuff that I want. When I next steal an iPhone I will expect none of this “arrest you” nonsense from the IGP.

Q: Getting out of sarcasm mode, of course you’re not equating rape with phone theft.

A:  Of course not. One is taking away a telephone the other is the worst thing that can happen to a person; it will leave them severely damaged for life, in a darkness no one outside it can even fathom.

Q: And yet the minister says it’s okay to do this to someone and he’s asked the cops to chill guys who do it?

A: In the process attracting the ire of right-thinking members of society everywhere. There are calls and petitions to have him resign and go side with rapists on his own time, not on taxpayer’s bill.

Q: Will they work?

A: No.

Q: Why is the minister for youth talking this nonsense? Isn’t that supposed to be the job of the minister for ethics and integrity?

A: You would think so, wouldn’t you?

Q: Hey, wait a second. That’s Miniskirt Bill, isn’t it?

A: Yup. The same person who wanted to have a law where girls get arrested for wearing garments that expose a portion of leg. Imagine you are out this weekend and the police jump into the joint with tape measures to see whose mini exceeds the legal limit.