The Breakdown: Uncut

The net is buzzing with news of the new smartphone from Amazon, the Fire. In the meantime, excitement still abounds over the other new phones from the leading smartphone brands  Ernest Bazanye the geek discusses the matter with Ernest Bazanye the luddite.

Q: Fire, Five s and S5. Why is the whole internet buzzing about these things? What are they?

A: Those are the three latest phones models to enter the competition for most advanced piece of mobile telephoning machinery on the open market.

Q: The best phones? Do they improve the process of me talking to people? Do they, for example, explain what the hell my maids broken English means when I call her? Or do they make a sound when my employees lie to me from the other end of the line? Or do they fast forward when the person who calls you is taking ages to get to the point?

A: They do none of those, unfortunately. Mobile phone technology has done little to improve actual telephoning. What it does, instead, is add aspects of computing onto the phone. This means your phone becomes a computer, a camera, a music player, a video player, a toy full of games and more.

Q: Why are we talking about them if they are actually useless, considering that I already have a computer, camera, music player, video and playstation?

A: Because we are here to discuss trending social issues and the latest phone always trends.

Q: Why?

A: For a number of reasons. One, it is a social status symbol. Having the latest phone is one of those things that marks social climbers out as cool. It makes gullible people think you are worthy of admiration.

Q: There had better be other reasons that are better than that.

A: Another one is that, since we were kids we have always lusted after new toys, shiny, brand new, the latest toy. It is the same thing with gadgets. Even if you could take photos of your food with sufficient adequacy using your S1, when you hear that the S5 has more megapixels on its camera, you will suddenly prefer to take photos of your food with that.

Q: I have never understood that bit of people taking photos of their food with their smartphones.

A: That’s why I am here. To help you understand. Now, would you like to hear the final reason?

Q: Hit me.

A: They are better. They are  just better. Having a smartphone makes your life more efficient. And having a better smartphone makes it even more efficient. It will turn you into a zombie who is always stroking at a little square of light in your palm and your attention span will dwindle away to nothing, and you won’t be able to attend church or weddings because you can’t go a full hour without checking in at one of the smartphone altars, but despite this, it does, actually make you more organised.

Q: Prove it.

A: I received this assignment, researched it, wrote it, and sent it in by smartphone. You were steaming in the office with the broken air-con the whole time.

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