I have this friend called Thaddeus. He is a sweet, kind, loving… Oh, wait. That is a different person. Thaddeus is wicked and mean and he hates things on sight. He just walks into a room and starts hating things. Because of this he often has things thrown at him. The other day it was a glass of alcohol.
I arrived at a party just in time to see this girl toss a glass of her vodka cocktail right into his face, just like they do in movies.
Thaddeus said: “Kyokka illiteracy in Uganda. Don’t you know where the toilet is? No, forget I asked. Even if you could read the directions to it, you obviously don’t know how to use it, or how to use alcohol. You are supposed to drink the vodka first, you subnormal article, and you only let it spill after you have drunk it, when you get to the toilet.”
I wondered why Thaddeus was talking about toilets. Had he turned into Bukumunhe?
The girl was fuming and turning red-eyed: Thaddeus licked his shirt collar: “I know, you want a retort of some sort. Perhaps you want to tell me that you did not empty your drink in my face because you didn’t know about digestion and pissing, and that it was because you wanted to show that you were offended by me. However, if you cannot express your offense in words, and have to resort to the wastage of good and, from the taste of it, expensive liquor, then I doubt that you will ever find that retort.”
The girl’s ears were quivering with anger: Thaddeus grinned. “Calm down. Have a drink and calm down. Oh, wait. Your glass is now empty. You should have left some for yourself.”
Her weave was almost rising off her head from fury: Thaddeus was still going. “You know what I do? I practice at home. I practice insults in front of the mirror the way you probably practice being whichever former Pussycat Doll you chose as your life role model. Me, I compose and rehearse insults just in case I need to use them and that is why I never get caught in the situation where I have to buy a cocktail at 20k and then not drink it because I tossed it at some other person who now finds it refreshing because it was hot in the club and the moisture is helping him cool down. You could try random pejorative adjective-noun combinations from the thesaurus. That will help you since you will be at beginner level. Try ‘insouciant scumbag’, ‘incorrigible creep’, ‘flea-bitten hyena’, or ‘typical boda pilot’.”
She was now beginning to sweat from anger: kko Thaddeus, “I suggest you push through the crowd to the bar and wait for a quarter of an hour for the bartender to notice you and serve you, then get another drink. By then you will either have calmed down or your bile will have risen to such a point that you want to repeat this weak insult. Either way, I am going to get a bucket, so next drink you throw at me will not be wasted. Now, shoo.”
She could not contain herself any more: She swung her hand to slap him. Of course she missed. Thaddeus is so used to flying slaps he dodges them long before they arrive.