Take Back Uhuru’s Car


You may have heard that Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta lost a real life game of Grand Theft Auto Nairobi last week.

Someone stole his car.

A vehicle belonging to the presidential fleet of limos was stolen outside the city limits last week.



Ssuuna, we know it was you.

This has Ugandan written all over it in UPE handwriting.

And we know that Ssuuna Yafesi is the best and at the same time worst thief in East Africa. Because he can steal the most difficult-to-get things in the region, but he always ends up making dumb decisions.

Ssuuna, just take the car back and embarrassing us.

I mean, what are you going to do with it? Paint it and sell it? To who? Who is going to drive a white car that looks just like the one that was stolen from the Kenyan president?

Or do you intend to sell it for spare parts? To who? The only person who is likely to need parts for a presidentially-customized beemer is, well, let’s just say those stunts of trying to sell me back my own side mirror only work in Kisekka market. They don’t work on a presidential level.

So now you are stuck holding a big black chunk of unsellable stolen property that is surely full of tracking devices and security features (yes, of course it has satellite tracking. It’s the car used by one of the richest men in Kenya, where they steal cars the way Ug conductors steal balance. If Nameless has satellite tracking on his Rav 4, you think Uhuru doesn’t? Uhuru is probably being tracked by S.H.I.E.L.D.)

So, boss, just do us all a favour and take the car back. You can leave it in a washing Bay in Migingo.