To Whom It May concern
Re: Application for the job of Social Media Strategist
My name is Stella Nyanzi (PhD) and I have recently been made redundant at my current place of work due to circumstances beyond my control. Specifically, if I can put it in my own terms, the rape of my career by the evil penis of the patriarchal oppressor.
I previously worked as a researcher at Makerere University (Not a lecturer. I don’t do lectures. How dare you! By the heaving thrusts of my pendulous bossom, I will not lecture! Ever! Fuck yourself raw if you ask me to lecture!)
I was oppressed out of my job by the dictatorship of the rotten institution. It is profanely rotten. I would go so far as to say it seeps disgusting substances out of its decomposing anal orifice as if it has been zombie-fucking at the bottom of a latrine. Oh, I should mention sodomy as well. Since the necrophiliac carcass-sodomizing institution suspended me from office and I had a bit of time to think about it, I came to my senses and it dawned on me that I am probably not going to get my job back.
I need a new job.
And this time, for once in my life I am going to think ahead and not just rush to take my clothes off and throw a tantrum as if I never grew out of my terrible twos. Now I am going to focus and think.
The problem was that I got a job that entailed doing stuff I don’t want to do. I didn’t want to lecture. No. Fuck lecturing. What do you mean what is wrong with lecturing? Don’t ask me questions. I am a bold fearless unabashed feminist, I will not be questioned!
What I do like to do is tweet and facebook.
I do that shit a lot.
I would actually prefer to put it this way: I spew my vaginal juices liberally over the social media and water them profusely, dripping with delight as I tweet my labia and thumbs up my urethra. I fuck social media so good it comes in my face like all day every day.
I have learned my lesson. I am not going to take a job where the contract allows some vulnerable-to-xenophobic-attacks boss to stroll in and add stuff like simanyi lecturing to my job description when I don’t want. Me I don’t want.
I am a crusading feminist activist and a woman’s no means no and this applies even when it comes to whether I don’t want to lecture in your rotten research institute with its penis whose glans is riddled with syphilitic sores that ooze blood and effluence into the bedsheets.
(Ed’s note: Baz, aren’t you overdoing it? Even Nyanzi herself has never got that graphic)
I love facebooking, though. I could do it all day. I rock at facebook. I hear people get paid to write facebook stuff. Yeah. Bring that money.
Attached is my CV
Name: Stella Nyanzi PhD
Age: Old enough to say words like pussy, fuck and dick.
Education: I have a Ph.D. I am a researcher. I get education. I don’t give education, though. I do not lecture. Fuck anyone asking me to lecture.
Skills: 1. Dressing up in African Attire
2. Reversing the process named above.
3. Social Media manipulation and exposing rot in institutions through the use of cleverly placed half-truths and sensational language that obscures the issue and drowns out sober discussion, thus ensuring trial by outraged mob instead of deliberation by facts.
(Ed: Baz, it sounds as if you are taking a stand in this issue, and yet you said you were here to just make jokes and that you were not picking a side.
Note to ed: Boss, Mamdani might be the antichrist for all I know, me I am not saying he is in the right, I am just saying Nyanzi has devalued the currency of protest. Protest and activism are supposed to be noble, honourable, grounded on justice, truth and integrity. Even if her core message is true, the fact that she has heaped lie upon lie over it compromises not only her cause, but the nobility of activism as a whole…
Ed: Baz, stop.
Note to Ed: Okay. )