The great news this week was that legendary Ugandan academic and justice crusader Dr Stella Nyanzi is leaving Uganda.
This is great news if you are the NRM or are in the top management of Makerere University or just if you tend to pass by MUK Institute of Social Research and lack the ability to unsee things.
Dr Nyanzi has been picked up for a 17 million-shilling-a-month job in Stellenbosch, South Africa.
Being the outstanding academic that she is we wish her the best.
We know she is an outstanding academic because they locked her out of her office.
And the chairs be inside.
We are sure she will settle in very well among the scholars of Stellenbosch. In fact I imagine it will be as smooth as this:
VC admin of the university on orientation day:
Welcome to the institute Dr… neeyanzee? Neeyanzi. Welcome Dr Neeyanzi.
Nnalongo: Actually, it’s Nyanzi. Nya. Nya.
VC: Dr Neeyanzi I have the team here waiting to meet you.
Nnalongo: As a proud African Muganda woman I will not kowtow to this eurocentric attitude that flippantly disregards our culture. You will make the effort to pronounce my name corre…
VC: These are your colleagues Dr Kastempfmeiersthoff, professor Dietkrambauer, Dr Throetzeig and Xhohlihephua, our Intern.
Nnalongo: Or you can call me Neeyanzi if that’s easier. We must all try to accomodate each other.
Dr: Who dis now?
VC: It’s the activist researcher from Uganda. Remember?
Dr: Oh yes. I did not recognize her with clothes on! Hahah.
Nnalongo: Every South African I have met on this campus has made that same joke. It is getting annoying.
Prof: Oooh. Don’t piss her off. Winters are cold in South Africa. We can’t risk our newest member of staff getting pneumonia.
Nnalongo: Excuse me! I am a highly qualified researcher and a person with many facets to my personality. You should not just reduce me to just some crazy woman because of that one incident!
Prof: Hey hey. Don’t get angry, Stella. Keep your shirt on. Hahaha
Nnalongo: Let’s clear one thing up. I don’t lose my clothes every time I get mad. I’m not the Hulk, okay? It was a protest. I was being forced to give lectures against my will!
Dr: I am on your side. I once had a Ugandan student when I was in Rhodes. What a dumb fuck. I would also rather strip nekked than teach Ugandans again.
Staffer: What’s the big deal anyway? I strip at my faculty all the time.
Prof: That’s because you are the dean in the school of kwaito video vixens.
VC: People let us call this meeting to order. I am sure Dr Neeyanzi has a few words she would like to share.
Nnalongo: Yes. I wrote a Facebook update… I mean, I wrote a brief speech.
Here it go.
Dear new colleagues. It is my honour and privilege to meet you and I look forward to working with you in this esteemed institution.
Everybody: Clap clap.
Nnalongo: My vagina is dripping with anticipation of the heaving intercourse I shall have with knowledge in this university and my pussy walls are plump and quivering in readiness of the research ahead.
I look forward to all the learning to be done…. As long as it is me doing the learning. Let me reiterate for the record… And let this be recorded, I WILL NOT LECTURE.
If you ever hear me say I agree to lecture, know that I am just joking. Like the time I said I will chop my clit out if an incumbent president loses an election in Africa.
Dr: So does this mean that there is a job opening in Makerere now thet you hev left?
Nnalongo: You had better hand in your CV quick. There’s another Ugandan doctorate holder in need of a new job right now.