Special Announcement from KCCA: Don’t Buy Those Shades

Announcement. Listen Your Ass Up




This is Jennifer. The Queen of Kampala. Forget what Rihanna said, she knows nothing. It’s me who runs this town. Tonight and every night and every day.

Now, last year I issued a decree that banned street hawkers. I didn’t stu-stu-stutter, I was clear as crystal when I said it. No Freaking Hawking. Just like that.

But the sneaky bastards didn’t listen. Like little scurrying rats of illegal entrepreneurship they just kept on weaseling back onto the streets. We hounded them down, we beat the shits out of them, we locked them up in jail to risk buggering. We even sent Swamp Thing out to get them.

We have a guy in KCCA Law Enforcement who they call Swamp Thing. He doesn’t speak much, but he knows four words: “You Meat, Me Smash”. He has been through like 250 hawkers over the past few months but still the idiots don’t learn. And do you know why? Do you know why we can’t get rid of street hawkers?

Because of you fucks. You keep buying from them.

Well, guess what: if hawking shit on the streets is illegal, buying hawked shit is also illegal. You had your warning. We told you. Anyone caught buying from a hawker is getting arrested.

You think I’m joking? Look at me. Do Kevin Hart and I look in any way identical?

Look, don’t test me. I cannot be stopped. Forget Vinnie Jones, I am the juggernaut, bitch. Ask the fifteen losers who are currently hugging the soap in jail because we caught them buying sunglasses and shit the other say. I said no hawking and that means no hawking.

Thank you for your time.

Yours cordially,

Jeniffer Musisi, Kampala Capital City Authority