She Said She Loved You? She Lied.


There are people who think Michael Bolton’s music is romantic. They  think listening to Michael Bolton sing creates a romantic mood which heightens the pheromone densities in the air and escalates the gettin’ down of couples. It does, in a way, I guess. But let’s not pretend that is a good thing.

This is a scientific fact and there are many independent studies which have confirmed this: The children conceived under the influence of Michael Bolton music will grow up to have beautiful faces and bodies, but rotten evil souls. They will have multiple sexual partners and will contract and spread AIDS. They will be the sort of person who steals four husbands and keeps none of them. They are the types of people who have other men raising their kids.

Consider the case of Ryan Gosling (not real name) a Makerere third year student who is ignorant and naïve. He recently went out with one such person. Took her to the new Javas. The chick ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, even though she didn’t know what the fuck it was, and then didn’t eat it. Ryan (it is just the name he told me to use) didn’t want to look weird, so he also ordered something as pricey. When she didn’t finish her food, Ryan didn’t want to look greedy. So he didn’t finish his either.

When the reckoning came, he asked for a doggy bag because some people are realistic.

And that is when the date flopped. The chick had decided that Ryan was “cheap” because he asked for a doggy bag. He got none.

When he told me this story, I asked him for the woman’s name, applied my investigative journalism skills, found her parents on Warid and called to ask them what was playing the night they made her.
And sure enough.

This son of a bitch cassette was in the auto-reverse.