We all know that Shosho media is an opposition stronghold. Round here we don’t tolerate that NRM gasiya. Don’t try to talk to us about those divergent political views. #Keep Quiet.
However, much as it pains me to do this– and it does pain me. Literally, my fingers are aching as I type.– but Sevo has a point.
I know we want our freedom of speech and expression and gagging shosho media is like trying to wash dirty water, really, a pointless waste of time, but you have to agree that we need some rules.
The Megabyle Protection Act
Sharing a video or an audio file to the group shows how much you love and care about our entertainment, and we appreciate it, but we need accountability and transparency in this regime.
Some of you send us videos which we have:
a) already seen
b) didn’t even want to see in the first place
c) Sex tapes. Where do Ugandan perverts get the idea that we are all in the same sick boat? Just because you like stealing unauthorised glimpses of other people’s sex lives does not mean everybody else suffers from the same moral disease. Some of us are decent, upright, righteous people who know where to find real porn.
So any video above one MB must be accompanied by a full synopsis detailing what the video contains and a review giving it a rating out of five stars. Five meaning, MUST DOWNLOAD URGENT IMMEDIATE e.g. It Besigye’s appeal to the Illuminati to step in, and one star meaning “only download if you have absolutely nothing else to do with your life, like if you are in the second hour of your traffic jam and you happen to have mob bundle left which is going to expire in ten minutes so you might as well blow it on something. And you have already downloaded This:
An example of a one star video would be Kato Lubwama fumbling to speak English. Bomboclart mbaf. Don’t waste my MBs on that. Unless you are going to show me you being as eloquent in your mother tongue as Kato Lubwama is in his.
Sorry. Make that Honourable Kato Lubwama.
The Voice and Data Preservation Act
Don’t whatsapp calls. We got whatsapp because we don’t pick calls any more. We don’t use phones to talk to people these days. What decade are you supposed to be in? The rest of us are here in 2016 and you are still dancing to Destiny’s Child and making plot for Alley Gators?
Don’t whatsapp call. #KeepQuiet
Just because something is possible doesn’t mean it is a good idea. Whatsapp calls are like Robin Kisti’s application letter to replace Mary Luswata on Scoop on Scoop. There will be no reply.
The Blue Tick Bill
Some of you are used to communicating with the unemployed. Or robots. Generally meaning you whatsapp people who never ever have anything to do except sit by the phone answering whatsapps immediately. The jobless of Uganda.
Or they don’t have alimentary canals and therefore never go to toilet, or they are lonely and grasp feverishly at any hint of human interaction that comes their way.
The two blue ticks don’t indicate a lack of manners. They indicate the presence of other shit that has to be done before whatsapp can be entertained.
And it’s not always cos I am busy. Sometimes I get your message and it is just too hot to reply. I will reply in the evening when the sun is down. Chill there.
I am not your erection: you don’t summon me at will, dawg.
I am more like your lady’s orgasm. I will come if and when I feel the time is right.