Subject: Welcome Back
How was Christmas break? I hope you had a great time. I, myself, was out of town with the relatives and as always it was quite an adventure. However, I am glad to be back to work, as I am sure are you and all our colleagues. New year and new challenges. Let’s get ready to show them what NepDar Uganda is made of!
I would also like this email to inform you of a few changes. The first floor kitchen will no longer be out of bounds to junior staff as part of management’s new policy of all-inclusiveness, so everyone is now welcome!
In other matters, we have to discuss the incident from last year’s End of Year party. I need to apologise fully and without reservation for that. My behaviour was unprofessional, unwarranted and inexcusable. There is no justification for continuously creeping up on one’s colleagues and whispering Chris Brown lyrics into their ear. I cannot apologise enough.
I have learned my lesson. Not every opinion one has about your legs vis a vis the slit at the back of your skirt deserves public airing. And I also understand that my preferences of what sort of position I would like to have you in can be kept to myself and need not be announced to you.
This is not going to happen again, ever. It was precipitated by my passing by the security desk on my way to the party. They were snakebiting Senator and Liberty Gin. Apparently, and I see that now, I should stick to my usual Black Ice.
I said some things that in hindsight should have been held back. And I groped some things that should not have been held at all, too.
No one is more appalled at my behaviour on that point. In fact, if Danny had not whatsapped that photograph to the entire office group, I would not have believed it actually happened.
They keep joking about how small my hands look on your behind. I don’t know what they expect of me. Excuse me if I don’t have a pair of massive gorilla paws, but I work in an office, not a carpentry!
But of course that is not the issue. The issue is that no matter how bubbly and squishy and inviting some things look, the office party is not the place to grab at them. Once again, full apology.
I should also apologise to your boyfriend, even though he is the one who slapped me (talk of gorilla paws!).
I hope that you are able to forgive and put this whole unfortunate incident behind us and not let it have an adverse effect on our work relationship. The part when I said every time you walk into our office I imagine you walking into my boudoir, I regret the most. I assure you I don’t have a boudoir. I don’t even know what a boudoir is. I just heard it mentioned on Downton one day.
I admit that I was out of line when I said my face belongs in your jugs even though I rather think you went a bit too far when you said it belongs in a file of sex offenders at CPS. I am no sex offender. I have never actually had sex with any of the women I have offended.
Finally, the IT team would like me to remind you of the importance of changing your password regularly.
Have a happy new year. Here’s to a prosperous 2016