Our Conditions For Your Wedding Meetings

We thought we would avoid wedding meetings this year. Most of us, especially those who deny it, were kind of hoping there would be a little bit of post election violence. Not a lot, just enough to give us an excuse to cut wedding meetings.

Sry cnt attnd meetg Goonz attcked my hom coz de saw a pair of yello undiez on de washig lyn.

 

That is how I reply to wedding meetings SMS. It is a passive-aggressive measure I employ when I can’t just outright be sarcastic.

But Ugandans are cowards. No violence. So it looks like we are going to have to go to the bumeetings.

 

However, we will not come quietly. We have conditions.

 

We demand accountability

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If we are going to fund this matrimony, I believe we deserve to know how it is proceeding. This is a contract to enter into a monogamous sexual relationship, right? We would like to know how sexual it is going to be, and if the degree of sexuality is commensurate with our contributions. Therefore I believe it is reasonable to expect a monthly report, perhaps in the form of a spreadsheet, detailing the frequency, style, position, and duration of sexual encounters per month. Transparency is one thing Uganda needs more of.
Transparency is also a good idea for a negligee.

 

To Love And To Hold, eh?

Let’s Be honest. Love forever? You won’t even like each other that much after a few years. That chick always leaving her knickers in the sink as if you don’t have teeth to brush. That goon slurps yoghurt noisily and then lets his mouth smell like rotting milk for the rest of the night. Asswipes both of you. Repulsive asswipes.

But that’s understandable. In the midst of the dislike you might still love. But my concern is wanting each other.

At some point one of you will break the bounds of matrimony and slut out.

The other will find out. You think they won’t? They will.

As members of the caucus that endorsed the matrimonial contract that was breached, we all expect to be cc’d in the email sent to apologise to the spouse after the creeping has been revealed.

Also, I, for one would like the number and details of the chick you slept with. She’s obviously dtf and has low moral standards, so I might have a shot.

 

Supper

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For your convenience it is best that you draw up a roster that clearly indicates who can come over when. Yes, this marriage should feed us. We donated money to you instead of spending it on cheeseburgers and spiced chips at Sound Cup.

Now, You don’t want a situation when the greedy ones show up towards the end of the month when household budget is tightening.  The ones who contributed low sums of cash are the ones who can visit last week of the month when beans are on the menu, then the rest of us who donated proper dimes, we can come in when you have braised chicken on the menu.

 

Children

Your kids are absolutely no concern of mine and let the record show by means of this document that if you spawn a talentless, lazy, gormless, rude brat who will probably also smell a lot because such losers always do, I am under no obligation to help him or her get a position at my firm.

It was hard enough getting this business started with all these wedding meetings sucking up my capital.

You need to get useful children. I trust that my contribution to your wedding will enable you to have a fruitful honeymoon with quality conception. Kids with intelligence, talent and, I am sure it is not too much to ask, decent taste in music.

Those ones can be interns when they grow up.

******

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