Ngoloscopes. Horoscopes that give you ngolo

Aquarius

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Family strife coming your way. Your son is going to break some shocking news to you. Prepare yourself for a life-changing announcement. Drink heavily. Very heavily. Like not beer: you need something crude, locally brewed, colourless that will fume off your breath for days. Cos this is big.

Scorpio

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This is the time to be open and frank with loved ones. Tell your father the truth. You see, he thinks you are gay but you have to be honest with him. Tell him that you are not gay. In fact you hate dicks. You never have anything to do with girls because they remind you of your own dick and you hate it the most. Tell him that you hate your dick so much you are going to cut it off and sell it.

Gemini

There is a change on the horizon. A new career opportunity. A commercial prospect is on the way if you are ready for it– Are you ready to be a dicks trader? If you keep your ears to the ground you will soon find out where you can buy self-amputated dicks, some of which have never been used and are as good as new. Stand poised and ready and you can corner this market.

Pieces, peise… peesseys whatever

You may have been feeling rather low lately, feeling empty, feeling hollow inside, as if something is missing. Penis. Penis is what is missing. You need a penis to put inside you so you can stop feeling empty inside. Find a penis.

Leo

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Family tension is on the rise. Some fractures appear in your home life. Your wife is going to disown his son after he walks in and finds that the fool has severed his own penis off and sold it. There will be blood all over the kitchen and she will be furious over the mess. You will have to decide whether to help clean up or take your bleeding son to the hospital. Time to chose.

Saggytarius

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Important lesson to be learned is that mistakes are part of life. Especially yours. You have so many mistakes, you fuck up so much, so often and so badly that actually it is better to say your life is part of a series of mistakes.

 

Arrears

This is great time to start thinking outside the box, about love, about life, about finance, about health. Forget the box. Cast aside the box. Pick up the satchet. Stop trying to be posh, drinking box wines. You are not too good for coffee liquor in a satchet. And it is not pronounced Sashay. It is pronounced suckett. You know why? Because when you get it you bite off the corner and you suck it. Membadat.

Dikuula

Every long night eventually breaks into dawn. No matter how dark it is, sooner or later the light must come. Pay your Yaka.