Nga Now You Have A Smartphone For What? (AKA What’s Been Up Africa)


Long ago, back in our day, when the world was young and innocent, we had things called Internet Cafes. Now, I know things that bear that name still exist, but they are not the same. What you guys have is some dank and frightening place where the computer you log onto is so likely to have prongraffie on it (never spelll that word correctly on the internet or the spambots will get you) that you feel raped just sitting down.

Back then Internet Cafes were sources of prestige and marks of elevated class. Much like buckets of chicken are now.


And it wasn’t just those looking for photos of ladies who don’t go to work with clothes on and bagezi trying to con Americans using 419 schemes. Yes, some of those schemes do originate in Uganda. I even know one of the guys who says he is Sani Abacha’s daughter. His name is Zachary.

Back then upright citizens regularly visited these cafes to check mail, read news and download nothing because unless it was a virus it took twenty hours to complete. So it was common to leave work or school and head to the cafe on your way home or to hostel, and hand over five thousand shillings for an hour of surfing time.



Just kidding. It wasn’t that long ago.


Yeah. Five K was one hour of surfing. Thanks to the era of development ushered in by Orange (I will give MTN their props, but not until you guys fix my mobile money! ) we don’t have to go to such places any more. No more sharing rooms with strangers of dubious hygiene and unauthorizable morality. Even wifi in coffeeshops is passe.

A digression. They always called them internet cafes, but they never ever served coffee. Eh? What kind of fish are they serving in that casserole that smells like carpets? Is that how they behave in Beauos Aires? Yeah, that was one hell of a digression. I started wandering off point and don’t know how I ended up in Argentina.

Nowadays we all those of us who count can check our mail, read our blogs (ahem!) and watch our youtube videos without leaving the comfort of our taxi’s back seat thanks to our smartphones.

Yes, I said youtube videos, because that was the point of this whole towering pile of teetering wolocks. You should know of What’s Up Africa. That’s the topical current affairs satire video show starring the Ikenna Azuike. If you pay attention you will have seen him on BBC Africa, and CNN Africa. If you pay full attention you will have seen What’s Up Africa itself. And you should.  That shit is hilarious.

And now I’m writing for it. Yup. Your boy is co-writing with Ikenna. And you thought I was simple?

Now, I am using someone else’s office computer and am not at an internet cafe, so I cannot actually open youtube and properly embed the link. I promise I will try to do that when I go to Java’s Banda tomorrow, but in the meantime, here are a couple of the episodes Ikenna and I wrote.  

I know what you are thinking. “Nyweee. But watching youchube vijeyos takes my bando!” Dude, we used to pay FIVE K for just one hour of internet and now you pay five K for a month! You can use five hundred shillings off that for a couple of youtubes on your phone.

Me I emancipated myself from the mentality that I have to save bundle. I put it there on budget, 150MB per week. I will watch what I want, download what I want, upload what I want, instagram every single ugly but expensive meal I want. I am free at last. So, check out What’s Up Africa on the links below. You will like them. Ikenna is funny and so am I. This is piff.

The Selfie, The Selfie, The Selfie. Then the interpreter. Banange!  

So FOX “News” says Santa Claus and Jesus were both white. They were only half right, cos one of those was actually Nigerian:

Also, please subscribe to the youtube channel, follow WUA on twitter and like it on Facebook.