News Rounded Up and Whipped Like Lupita

What happened to the parliament pigs? Well, we hear that the police is on the case, investigating the little porkers with maximum thoroughness  to ascertain exactly what the hell it was that they were doing in parliament in the first place. What induces two piglets to recruit humans to take them to parliament? The police must get to the bottom of this. And they are taking it very seriously, even going so far as to call in some CSI-level resources.The New Vision reports that forensic tests are being carried out to see if quote, “the pigs were free of terrorism related materials”

We are wondering meanwhile if forensic tests include taking a sample from the rib area, placing it in a high thermal level environment like a grill applying catalysts like sauce and spice…

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Meanwhile, as the pigs are roasted outside, within the house, MPs call for reforms in Uganda’s higher education sector. They want tertiary education to match the market’s demands.

Cconsidering what the market demands of university students, shall we take this to mean they want campusers to learn to stop ordering for expensive stuff all the time? You can’t even afford to retouch your hair bulungi and you come here demanding black label. Chick, you are not too good for black Ice.

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Speaking of people who sleep with campusers, Uganda AIDS Commission has released results of a survey that says 67 per cent of married christian people admit to having extra marital affairs. Side dishes. This is not good news; it means the risk of getting and spreading AIDS is really high. It does not mean that “Yippee! If I want to get laid all I have to do is find a married christian and tap for some, I have a 67 per cent chance of scoring.”

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Prosecutor Jackie Atugonza asked for a severe punishment for 30 year old Eldard Dongo in a case reported by the Vision last week. She called for a severe punishment so as to deter intending offenders. Dongo was sentenced to four weeks in jail and a 400,000 fine.

His crime? Peeing by the roadside of Spring Road Bugos.

We don’t know what his defense was, but seriously, why would you arrest a guy for that? It’s a simple mistake anyone can make, considering that some parts of Bugos already look and smell like a toilet, so it’s an easy mistake to make.

He was arrested and charged with being a public nuisance. Which leads to another question. If you are peeing peacefully, just letting the relief of nature return to the earth, then some goons come up and disturb you nti they want to arrest you, who is being the nuisance?

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The police says they are going to monitor world cup screening venues this season to prevent terrorism. They are taking this seriously. There will be registration and vetting of such places, profiling and more vetting of employees. And then we see.

Popo says they are looking out for terrorists. But don’t be fooled. Doesn’t mean that you and your hooker date will be fine when you go there stinking of weed and start a bar fight with some guy who caught you trying to pick his pocket because Police spokesperson Fred Enogo says that these measures were put in place to prevent terrorism and quote “other crimes, such as assault, burglary, theft sexual offences and others.”

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