Name and Number

Kyokka these telecom price wars have become telecom price wars. And while cheap people are elated about the reduced call rates, many of us, us being the constituency of corporate workers who are reminded once a month that the toil and travail we endured for thirty days was not for feathers and leaves but, rather, was actually kind of worth it, and by all that I mean we get hefty paycheques, so large and heavy that we even buy liquor in bottles and not sachets, us rich people, all we see from this whole malarkey is disadvantages.

Calling rates going into freefall has thrown my social and business life into havoc. For example, caller ID, which anyone who has ever been stalked can tell you is a vital defense mechanism as well as a weapon (more on that when you qualify to know our secrets) is now rendered irrelevant. No one calls from their registered and documented MTN line any more. Instead, everybody bought a new Zain or Warid line so you have random miscellaneous digits flashing at you with eager glee , dancing to the Nokia tune, and you have no way of telling where they are from.

Now, I don’t want to go into the vagaries of my business, but I will tell you this: it is very important that I respond to my business associates, clients, partners and donors with the correct protocol. But if I have no idea who is calling, how will I do this?

Especially since, I’m from da hood, y’all. We hardcore niggas when we get calls from numbers we don’t know there is only one way to answer them. We bark: “Gwani!”

“Hello?”

“I said Gwani!”

“Is this Ernest Bazanye of Bazanye Inc?”

“Nssssss-smmschhhwwww. Me I know who I am you who ah you!”

It is not a question. Now, while this keeps you alive in the mean streets of Kyaliwajjala, it can have an disconcerting effect on relatives. So we are going to have to ask please. When you call on a reduced-rate line, state your name before we bark at you. Thank you.