The militarisation of beauty is finally here. The moment we have all been waiting for.
When Salim Saleh suggested that the UPDF, which is now into promotion of agriculture programs, should take on the Miss Uganda pageant, in a bid to popularise farming among the youth, some of us thought he was just riffing, the way speech makers do when they have run out of things to say but still don’t want to sit down and stop boring us.
Saleh was not joking. Or if he was, he is taking the joke further. With this
It’s impossible to predict what will come of this. Wait. Did you say impossible? Nothing is impossible to those who have no compunctions about making up shit.
So we found an aspiring beauty queen who we know is going to apply to take part and got an exclusive.
Q: Hi. Nice face. I enjoy looking at it.
A: That is because of my being beautiful. In fact by the way.
Q: Yes. I figured. So you plan to make beauty a career by pursuing the Miss Uganda crown?
A: That mbu nti yurrrrr.
Q: Something about that sound resembles the word “yeah”, so I will just assume you are trying out an accent.
A: Am Miss Samfransico.
Q: A statement that just barges into the field from absolutely nowhere.
A: But the one in Najja.
Q: The San Francisco bar in Najjanankumbi, not the city in California. Of course. Let me slap my head. Ouch.
Q: You are very blonde, but besides that, tell us more about yourself.
A: Yurrrrr. Okay, thank you viewers. My names I am called Shanna Lynn and my interests are reading, music, Beyonce and loving.
Q: What do you love specifically?
A: What I said. Music and Beyonce and reading. Are you paying a tension?
Q: It was a follow up question. Just to get more details.
A: For my funs?
Q: Or your fans. Depending.
Q: So, what do you read?
A: Yurrr. I love reading. Facebook.
Q: I rolled my eyes too far back just then. Now, tell us what inspired you to become a beauty pageant contestant, because that is the sort of question asked in these interviews.
A: I believe that beauty queens as opinion leaders. We can help to promote opinions such as agriculture.
Q: Also, it was an easy way for a chick like you to get validation and prizes.
Q: The promotion of agriculture to a new generation which seems more interested in blue collar work is important if Uganda is going to take the potential we have and develop into, well, a developed nation. Is this why you decided to get involved in Miss Uganda this year?
Q: I go every year but Nanyonjo he doesn’t allow me.
Q: How do you feel about agriculture?
A: I love it. There are many uses of agriculture, like, in Uganda. Like production. Like it produces foods. Foodstuffs. Yurrrrr. Many foods come from Agriculture. Yurrrrr.
Like chips and soda and chicken.
Q: How do you feel that as Miss Uganda you and the UPDF will promote agriculture among the youth?
A: And gorillos. Also gorillos.
Q: Let’s answer the question now.
A: Yes there are challenges in agriculture which me as the youth and … other youths also them, we can contribute to like improving…. agriculture in Uganda.
Q: I need you to think, Freda. Think and give me a real answer.
A: My names I am called Shanna Lynn.
Q: Your name is Freda Namukasa. Answer my question before this interview becomes too long.
A: Challenges in Agriculture? Ummm, okay like for example, how agriculture is so dirty? Me I don’t like there is too much soil.
Q: That is a unique perspective.
A: And the animals are so smelly. Due to their defacations. I think they can teach them not to excreyate around too much. Maybe they make for them pampers. And deo. We can innovate ways.
Q: How do you feel that the UPDF involvement in the pageant will help you overcome these challenges?
A: I think it is good because instead of digging weeds, we can shoot them.
But soldiers they are also dirty. And they don’t like using condoms.