Mbu Nti The Getaway

Ethan Hawke, what the fuck was that shit? I mean, seriously, you don’t just go and do that to people. It’s cruel and unusual and the Geneva convention specifically says it is poor form.  Movies this bad cannot possibly be legal. The ICC must have it on a list somewhere.

Ethan Hawke has made some wonderful films: thought-provoking, challenging and clever films, or even if they were not, they were at least entertaining. Dude, was in Training Day.

But this shit? The darkest latrine sneers at this.

How do you make a movie where if Selena Gomez was replaced by Rabin Kisti that would not even make it worse?

The Getaway, starring Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez.

This is what happened.

Ethan Hawke was chilling at his home in Bel Air Estates when the phone rang. It was his accountant telling him that the bank was about to foreclose because he had lost all his millions to Kevin Smith in that  poker game where Jason Mewes roofied him. His virginity, too, but that is not the accountant’s concern. He would lose the house if he didn’t get a gig really quick so he could make his next payment.

“Whaddamai gonnadooo?” he asked as the remaining minutes on his AT&T account dripped away.

“Well, there is this movie where Selena Gomez plays a carjacker…”

“Isn’t Chris Tucker doing the male lead in that film?”

“He should be, but nobody can find the crackhouse he disappeared into in 2009. Nobody’s seen him since Rush Hour 3.”

Ethan thought about crack and homelessness, shuddered, and said, “Okay, I’ll do it.”