Kampala Road Mayor aka Lord Mayor aka Loodi Meya aka his eminent worship the impeached, depeached, repeached unimpeached distinguished then extinguished then locked up and teargassed then back for more Erias Lukwago.
It’s been a long road to the mayor’s office for Lukwago.
Actually not that long. It just took him ages to walk there because he kept getting teargassed on the way.
But he’s back as Mayor. So let’s do this thing of taking a look at his first day in office.
Erias: Bitches, I’m back, bitchezzz!
Staff: Who dis dude?
Erias: Numbskull. I’m your boss. The Mayor.
Staff: Really? We didn’t know we had one. Haven’t seen one here in years.
Erias: Well, you know what? Amet odio inimici, Vestibulum amet ludere. That’s Latin for haters gonna hate, playas gonna play. And from now on, Mayors gonna may!
PA: Welcome, your worship. I have been waiting for you. We have dusted your office and removed the cobwebs and cleaned it up in case you actually get to use it this term.
Erias: And you are…
PA: I am your Assistant, Amanda Musisi.
Erias: That is an colossal amalgam of treachery, perfidy and chicanery! Musisi? That woman is sending her sisters to spy on me now?
PA: I assure you, your worship I am not related to Jennifer Musisi. The only public figure in my family is Mabikke. I think. I saw him at a kwanjula once.
Erias: Say swear.
Erias: Okay. But nevertheless, I am ensuring that my opticals are pervasively employed in your location.
PA: You mean you are keeping your eye on me. Got it. Would you like some coffee?
Erias: Nah. I’m good. Mrs Lux packed for me some katunda lager. So what is on my itinerary for today? What part of Kampala am I going to develop?
PA: Ummm.. Let me see… Today? Nothing, sir.
Erias: I query the essential substance of that situation.
PA: You mean “What?”. Well, according to your itinerary you have nothing to do until the 14th of March, when you preside over the prize giving ceremony at Rowdy Rascals Primary School sports day in Mutungo.
Erias: That is bovis fecus! Are you telling me that all I have to do all month is to give a gold-plated plastic badge made in China to an eleven-year-old lumpen just because he managed to shuffle 50 metres in a sack without falling down more than 18 times? What about developing Kampala?
PA: But you knew that the mayor’s office is mostly ceremonial and that real power to develop the city is in the hands of the executive director, Je…
Erias: Don’t pronounce that nomenclature in my … what is a big word for presence?
PA: Presence isn’t a big word?
Erias: It’s not big enough for me. Anyway, I will not accept this. I want to politics, not to just sit here doing prize giving ceremonies. Fecus!
Ragga Dee: Kale if you didn’t want the job, why didn’t you just let me have it?
Erias: What is he doing here?
Ragga Dee: Jennifer hired me. I am a consultant on digging roads. Cos I sang about kudigida.