Letter to Africa: Dear Mombasa

Ernest Bazanye Sempebwa

P.O.Box 896645

Kampala, Uganda

 

Dear Mombasa,

It has been a long time since we last spoke, and I do miss you dearly. How are Mr Kitui and Hassan and the lads? I heard Bridget has set up a tour company to take tourists to places which are not full of tourists. She has always had a sharp entrepreneurial eye, that one. Ever since she quit piracy, it’s been strength to strength.

I should get to the point of this missive, which, I am afraid, is not good news.

I heard about the incident with Chris. I cannot begin to apologize profusely enough. We gave everyone clear instructions that he was not to be let off the plane without taking his meds, but you know Chris– he is just so wily and slippery, he is always escaping from his restraints.

So he came to Kenya for a concert and — I am not sure exactly what happened: Someone says he stole a phone. Another person says he didn’t steal it, but when a fan tried to take a selfie, he turned around and grabbed her phone from her, smashed it, then tossed it away. Then he punched her in the throat, called her mother a used suppository, weeweed in her coffee and  twirled away singing tralalala.

Another person tells me he didn’t do anything which, knowing Chris, is frankly the least credible theory. Chris Brown has never been innocent. Chris Brown always did something. Chris Brown is the only person on record capable of committing a full sexual assault while passed out from a gallon of Patron and Grey Goose. Even Donald Trump knows he can only wishes he was Chris Brown.

I have a message from Kofi, by the way. Remember him? You may not. We all haven’t remembered Kofi Olumidde since like 1996 which is when he was last relevant to the music industry.

He was in Nairobi recently. Yeah. Mwangi was in the mood for some crusty lingala dinosaurs so I talked to my contacts, they broke Kofi out of the home and had him washed and flown over.

Unfortunately he had one of his episodes, attacked one of his dancers and was deported.

He sent me an email from Kinshasa (no, don’t be fooled by the name. He is not Ghanaian. Same way Chris is not Christ-like.) Anyway he says he saw all the tweets and how insistent they were to absolve Chris of all blame, and wanted me to ask if he can come back now that you have relaxed your standards on how much thuggery visiting musicians can practice at your airports.

I said I will relay the query. You haven’t been responding to his whatsapps, he says. He claims he doesn’t know why. I tried to tell him it’s because he is an asshole but you know these singers; everyone keeps telling them they are perfect and wonderful no matter what they do that they have no sense of personal accountability or responsibility.

Anyway, please please tell Brenda we are glad he phone is still working (and glad that Chris wasn’t able to get his hands on her. Cos that would have been a whole other casserole of githeri) and that she is welcome to visit Kampala any time she wants to take a selfie with this guy.

mqdefault His name is Alex Muhangi and he doesn’t mind taking photos with fans. Unlike Chris, he doesn’t bite.

Otherwise, be good to yourselves. I miss and love you dearly, Until we meet again, I remain yours

 

Bazanye Sempebwa

Son of Bazanye

Muzukulu of Sempebwa

Born of Nagawa

Also known as Elinesiti.