The New Vision reports here: Lawrence Kiyingi alias King Lawrence, a Ugandan based in South Africa was arrested in South Africa for alleged fraud.
The city socialite was arrested with other Ugandans on Tuesday after being trailed by Police in a special operation. –
“King Lawrence who of where” is the natural question you ask when I tell you this because you are a smart, busy person who has more important things to do with your life than to know who the fuck socialites think they are.
I will help you.
King Lawrence and others are the stars of a viral video showing men in black t-shirts sitting around a lounge restaurant table plonking wads of cash onto its surface and saying they are indeed great and mighty for having so much money.
It was reported last week, however, that he had been called to a court in South Africa to answer charges of fraud.
Now, I am not a judge. I don’t judge people. What I do is follow the court proceedings. Like these ones:
Bailiff: Order in court. Court is in session. The honourable Judge Joost Van Der Streese presiding. All rise. You, too, you Ugandan froghead in the dock. We are going to fry you like a grasshopper.
Lawrence: Do they have toilets in courts? I have a feeling coming on…
Prosecution: The Prosecution will show that the defendant did commit multiple acts of fraud and did so with malice aforethought and bampane, a priori, bona fides, ipso facto, stickus dickus inum hot steaming punum.
Lawrence: Where is my lawyer?
Judge: Silence! Prosecution may begin.
Prosecution: Thanks, Joost. Now, you! State your name for the court you noxious scumbag!
Prosecution: Are you or are you not King Lawrence, you smelly lunatic?
Lawrence: Um yeah. That is me. Banange.
Prosecution: Let the record show that the incorrigible gob of slime has confessed to the first count of fraud right here and now. He claims to be King Lawrence, but I have a list here, Dietrich, provide exhibit A. Exhibit A, the paper from Uganda. That one. This, may it please the bench, is a list of all registered monarchs and cultural rulers of Uganda. And this man, is NOT ON IT!
You, sirrah, are No King! Prosecution calls for the maximum penalty of life without parole, bail or genitals. Cut them off and lock him in one cell, and lock them in another one!
Lawrence: Wait wait. Come on, that’s not my fault.
Judge: Really? Will prosection want to hear this scrofulous malapert’s flimsy excuse?
Lawrence: I just told people my name is Kiyingi Lawrence and they heard their own things. Next you are going to arrest my cousin, Jjuko Fedinburgh?
You know? Duke of Edinburgh?
Judge: These Africans have weird accents. Silence. Prosecution may continue.
Prosecution: On the second count You did create, publish, participate in and grin like a fish with lockjaw in this video. Do you deny this? Do you deny the evidence right before your eyes, you scurrilous deviant with a face that looks like someone ought to smack you just for having it?
Lawrence: Deny it? That’s me and my gangos in the video. We call ourselves the Rich Gang. We want to make Ugandans admire us but we don’t know how to sing so we just make videos like that.
Prosecution: Observe how the fiend gloats and brags over his own villany. Let the record show that he is even dancing in the dock.
Lawrence: I am not dancing, I really need to know how soon we can take a break and where the bathroom..
Judge: SILENCE! Prossy, proceed to prosecute
Prosecution: Yes, your honour. So-called Defendant, how did you get this money?
Lawrence: It’s mine. I am a business…
Prosecution: I mean, how did you get it onto a table at a hotel? Don’t you have a cheque book? Don’t you have a credit, debit or even ATM card? Is there no mobile money where you are form?
We have all been to banks. Even the space in the teller’s window is not big enough for one full wad. It must have taken ages to pass that much money through. And the whole time everyone behind you in the line is cursing, wondering what the delay is for. Making them wait and wait just so you can make a whatsapp video? Is that not cause for conviction on the crime of kamanyiiro according to the Penal Code Section 4 CA of the law of Uganda?
Lawrence: But I don’t…
Judge: You know what I am going to say, Lawrence..
Prosecution: And then you have to carry the money to the hotel, and this is allegedly in kampala, which, according to exhaustive research carried out by Interpol, the CIA, Mossad and Chappie, is not bizimbe. If you carry that much money around you are asking to be jumped. And even if you do manage to get the money to the hotel, how do you take it back? Even if it is you who withdrew it, I have it on good authority that you cannot deposit that much money into a bank in Uganda without having to explain why, how and whence to the police and other related officers. What did you tell them? That you just took your cash out for a family photo? Is your government run by idiots?
Uganda High Commissioner to Uganda: Silence!
Prosecution: I put it to you, so-called Lawrence, that you did not use money in that video, but did instead wrap tissue paper into wads, Gentle Flower Brand Tissue paper, made in China, and in doing so you did in fact conspire, plan and proceed to commit a fraud upon not only Ugandans but also all users of the South Africa-owned telecom company that they got the MBs from that they used to download that video! We call upon the court to show no mercy upon this decomposing hotdog. We the prosecution call for the full punishment and beyond. Lock him in the jail within the jail. All executions scheduled to be carried out in South Africa this year should be carried out on this one man. In fact, we call for the return of apartheid for him alone.
Lawrence: Can I at least…