I am an awards show. No, I don’t mean I have been to an awards show. I AM an awards show. Every month in City Beat magazine, right, we run this thing called the Off Beat Awards and… well, take a look. This is from January this year.
Ring the irreplaceable alarm for the bootylicious survivors of the egos that shine off your video phone. The rumour is going around that Beyonce is coming to Uganda, and so you must excuse me if I can think of nothing else. Well, nothing else save my sworn duty to monthly supply you, the loyal and loving readers, with the Off Beat Awards! I am going to suspend my excitement over the looming arrival of the second hottest woman in the world, and focus on distributing the fabulous, exciting, economically beneficient Off Beat Awards.
Our host this month is not going to be Kelly Rowland. Because that woman has stolen too much of Beybey’s thunder already.
So Long Farewell Award:
This one goes to Melanie Kaita, the Morning Motormouth, the Bellicose Breakfasteer, the Sass of Sanyu, the former host of what I can say with only one reservation was one of the finest radio teams in the land of Uganda. What we loved most (and what others hated most) about Mel was that the phrase “I have nothing to say about that topic” was never uttered in her sexy little voice. We did not establish what she is going to do now, after breaking up with us, the audience that loved her, but I think her conviction that she could say anything about anything means she should stand for parliament.
Coco Finger has been tipped as one of the boys to watch this year because of his exciting ka single which features a very acrobatic piece of tongue twisting at the beginning. If you have not heard it goes something like “zagadingdingding”. Now you have at least read it. We were going to give him the award for the name with the most filthy innuendo, but we instead offer him the lexicon award for catchy lyrics that mean nothing.
Gangsta Stories Award:
Did you hear what happened to Bebe Cool? One of the versions perhaps. BC got shot by the pigs.
We offer him every sympathy and wish him a fast and full recovery from his wounds, but we also look forward to hearing about it in song, because it is his wont to chronicle his life’s adventures inna dancehall style an fashion (as they say).
I hope he continues with the global aspirations of great heroism he began when he sang that song about grabbing policewomen’s bosoms: Prison For A Reason, and compares himself to iconic characters in history who have suffered similar fates.
My money is not on him comparing himself to 50 Cent and Tupac. I’m guessing we are more likely to hear the name of Malcolm X in his song.
After The Show It’s The Afterparty Award:
R.Kelly has had a long long long career. He also had a short short short set when he came to Uganda to perform before an audience that was only larger in scope and reach than the hordes who were still waiting in line outside to see a show that was already over. The jokes have been falling like a rain. Nti after a few minutes he looked at his watch and said, “I believe I can fly,” then he flew back home. Nti he noticed that it was bedtime and said, “This reminds me of my sleep.” People thought he was only taking a break, or a “Fiesta”, but in fact the “The show is over, show is over now…”
R. Kelly would like to make an announcement. A Public Announcement, if you will, that all Ugandans who felt they didn’t see enough of him can catch footage of his other concerts on youtube and watch for free until they feel they have recouped the balance.
Sound of Silence Award:
There is a nasty rumour going around about Mya’s mic. The story goes that Mya from Blu 3, who is widely celebrated for her lovely face and oft-well-explosed legs, does not perform with a live microphone when she is on stage. The nasty story we have heard is that the device she holds in her hand is an empty prop—no batteries in it even– so that any sound she utters while purportedly on stage to sing is lost in the wind, and all the audience will hear is what was her recorded in the studio.
The reason for this is, they say, that Mya cannot sing.
Now, this may be true. I cannot tell for sure because I have never heard Mya sing (I’ve seen her hold a mic on stage, but that doesn’t mean I have heard her.) But I ask you please to look at that woman. Mya contributes a whole lot more to the local music industry than silence, as you can see.
Read The Small Print Award:
R&B prince Tonix recently dropped a love song about feeling positively about a woman he knows and maintaining the timbre of these feelings from January to December. That even became the title of the song: to whit, January to December.
Now, like everyone else we don’t listen to the lyrics of pop songs: we just assume a meaning. This is what we think the song is about: the boy is offering the woman in question a one-year contract that expires on New Year’s Eve. Very romantic.
Technology Innovation Award:
You guys complain about autotune, claiming that it is cheating, that it is something musicians should be ashamed to be associated with and mortified to be dependent on. Autotune, in short, is a bad thing. Wapi. I say, celebrate autotune. Love autotune. Give Autotune an Off Beat Award because if it was not for Autotune we would have had to listen to Cindy sing off key and we would never have been able to enjoy Ayokyayokya as much as we did. Autotune saved our ears.
History Remixed Award:
In the video for Basiima Ogenze, Dr Jose Chameleone shows us a group of people travelling through a gallery of portraits of various famous people who have passed on to the next world. The message of the song is that people don’t truly appreciate you until you are dead, and we presume that the portraits of Kabaka Muteesa II, Luck Dube and Philly Lutaaya are meant to illustrate this.
But what is the portrait of Idi Amin doing there? Is Doctor Jose trying to make a comment about how even if you are a murderous thug who destroyed an entire country during your life, when you die, people will still find nice things to say about you somehow? In that case I might as well die, so you can all forgive me for dissing your favourite celeb.
And now, because we have come to the close of this month’s service, let us give the final award out. It is called the General Happiness Awards and it (in spite of the fact that it is plural) is awarded to people who, due to time restraints, did not get their own category. These include: Desire Luzinda because we all like Desire. Jimmy Jones 75 for leaving Sanyu. Lukando Nalungwe who won Face Of Africa 2010– she’s not a Ugandan, but with a name like that, who would know? Miles Rwamiti for Omubimba on Bukedde TV –this guy is like Red Bull in action. Desire Luzinda AGAIN because there is no reason not to. And with that we remind you to not drive if you are drinking because that is a fala move. Till next month.