Is The President Safe From Hyenas?

Our president, Yoweri the Excellent Museveni, is in Addis Ababa this week on state business. Presidential African Union stuff. The sort of thing presidents do with and to each other.

This is all that I should tell you because beyond that you should not have a fuck to give, really, except for one thing.



According to a report in a BBC Magazine, when you go to Addis Ababa, RUN!

Hy-fucking-yenas dammit! The place is crawling with them. Vicious, hulking, brutal hyenas with jaws that are strong enough to snap a bone in two, and no Christianity to stop them from doing so. And they are all over Addis Ababa. Like everywhere.

The way other cities have urban vermin, the way Kampala has Marabou storks and London has foxes and LA has former child stars and everyone else has rats, Addis has hyenas.

This story the BBC gave us teaches that there are between three hundred and one entire thousand hyenas in the Ethiopian capital and they wander the streets with their robot-strength jaws biting whatever, including homeless people and children who are not attended to by mothers with guns that work.

And that’s where Museveni has gone: to a land overrun by animals that, in a pack, can descend upon a horse and eat every last atom of it in one night so that by morn you won’t even find the hide left after a pack of hyenas. Hyenas take everything. They probably even eat the soul.

Yoweri K Museveni, it was nice knowing you.

Oh, wait a minute. This just in. Apparently, it is just another case of the evil western media which never says anything positive about Africa sensationalizing shit. The reporter confused The Lion King with reality and reported on the wrong one.

The truth is that, while there are hyenas in Addis, they hardly ever hurt anyone and often respond as is appropriate to a sharp “Shoo!” command. They skulk around garbage heaps and landfills looking for things to eat, mostly on the city’s outskirts, and are so harmless that some people even domesticate them and treat them as pets.

So if Museveni does see any hyenas as him and his peers preside around Addis uniting Africa, they are probably going to be at a respectful distance, waiting for a piece of meat to fly off a plate so they can fight over it when it lands in the bushes behind the Addis Serena or wherever they are.

Which is a pity. The Lion King was a much better story.