Iguana Is Closing. End of An Era

  The end of an era. The close of an epoch. One would say the sun has set on Iguana but the way Iguana works, it is more appropriate to describe its shut down by saying the sun has risen on Iguana.


Yes, for so long this bar has been a one stop spot for random chaws, a gathering point for afficionados of sex that is not encumbered by the lack of commitment, lack of love, having to know each other’s names and sobriety.

Iguana was like a real-life Tinder. Wait. Someone just told me Tinder is for finding relationships. Fuckouttahere. Tinder is an Uber for random chaws.

Next thing you are going to tell me Iguana is for going to get a drink just.

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I’m not judging, but the number one question people ask after a night at Iguana is “do you have to take one postinor per ejaculation?”

And now it is gone.



Now how are Kampala’s thirsty thuglifers going to get easy stray chaws? Are they going to have to get their own girlfriends and boyfriends instead of borrowing other people’s for one night at a time?

Really, I am not judging. I am just saying that I never see a couple leave Iguana gazing longingly into each other’s eyes. They gaze at each other’s boobs and crotch respectively.

Where are Kampalans going to find indiscriminate random casual sex encounters now? You want to say “Everywhere else” since Kampala is nothing but fucking but the advantage Iguana had was that it organised the game by centralizing the strayness. It had the advantage of a high concentration that drastically increased the probability of getting laid. The border of the friend zone was the entrance to Iguana.

There might as well be a sign at the exit saying “Welcome To Kampala”.



Why are you saying that I am judging? I am not judging. I am just saying that the floor of Iguana is always slippery. Let your dirty mind explain that one.

If you are not having random sex in Iguana, so says the unofficial cosmopolitan culture constitution, you just need to open your eyes. That is wrong. In Iguana you just need to open your fly.

If your eyes are closed you are still going to stumble, fall and land on or in someone’s genitals.

The drug dealers who sneak into every bar in Uganda are more specialised in Iguana, I am told. If you are allergic to latex then you can easily find a get immodium, inhalers and lotions as soon as you return from the parking lot or the toilets.

They have mulondo cocktails in Iguana, I have been informed.


Me I don’t know personally, because, I am not judging you, but I be at fellowship on most nights as you know, pledging NBM.


When a person in Iguana asks “Have we met before?” they mean “have we fucked yet?”


When a person in Iguana asks “do I know you?” they mean “do I KNOW you?”


This is how to speak and understand Iguana


This seat free?  = dtf?

Can I  buy you a drink?  = dtf?

I’m pretty much any human being = dtf?

Hi = dtf?

Breathing = dtf?

As I have said, I am not judging. Us at my cell we don’t judge. We just pray for sinners. In fact when Iguana closes you should come to my cell group.

Some of us are mob thirsty. We need some easy lays. The other members don’t want to give kko on.