How To Use An iPad (Parliamentary Edition)

After we paid all our money to Apple so that our MPs could have an iPad each, it transpired that the doofuses didn’t even know how to use the tablets in the first place and needed training. So we paid more money for them to get taught.

And only three showed up for the training.

At least this shows that not all MPs are that stupid. At least some of them are smart enough to know that you can’t let people see you going for iPad lessons. Shyaa.

So since you didn’t go, how are we going to make sure you don’t waste the iPads we paid for? Here comes the citizen to the rescue. I shall teach you today how to use an iPad, Member of Parliament. Read the following and learn.


Lesson One: Getting Started

The iPad functions best when it is on, therefore the first lesson is how to switch it on.
This is also known as activating it, powering it, and switching the fucking thing on.

First get a finger. Apply finger firmly to on button until magic begins to shine on the iPad. Then you have suceeded.

Lesson two. How to hold the iPad.

There are two ways of holding the device. One is the landscape mode, preferred by people playing Angry Birds.
The other is the portrait mode preferred by people who have moved with the times and don’t play Angry Birds anymore, but still play Temple Run and Candy Crush Saga.

Make sure at all times that the side with the glass is facing you, and the side with the apple logo is not visible.

If you are looking at the apple logo the iPad may not function to specifications.


Lesson Three. What Next

On the iPad are several little flowers called icons. One of these “icons” is shaped like a box enclosing a blue lettter f. Caress it gently. The way some of you caress your campus side chicks before you give them large chunks of the money we taxpayers give you. Kale campusers don’t even pay tax.

The iPad face will change into something called Facebook. Facebook is a social media engine which enables millions of people around the world to stay in touch and communicate in real time. It is an invaluabe tool in communication.

Find the page that says “Yoweri Museveni for 2016”

Touch where it says “like”

Find the page where it says “miniskirts ”

Don’t look at it any more.

Type out your thoughts, if any, in the space provided. Remember to use no vowels and to substitute numbers for letters in ways that make no sense.