How To Make A Ugandan Rolex

There is another google search result for this topic. This one had better not supersede that one.

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But we agreed that we are going to get our culture and lifestyles and our stories as Ugandans onto the internet, and I was told to do Rollas, so here we go.

Ingredients:

1 Sexually attractive chicken.

FUSS N FEATHERS (3)

No, not sexually attractive to you. Don’t be that sick. Reduce on the psychological pathology and make yourself less of a wretched pervert. I mean a chicken that is sexually attractive to other chicken.

1 Fertile, hunk chicken that is not tied down by previous commitments but is dtf.
(DTF is adult internet term for Down To Fuck. It is used by people who sleep with internet people.)

sexy-cockerel

Introduce the two genders of poultry in a conducive environment. You will be glad to know that this doesn’t take much. No Tyrese, no Luther, no Rich Homie Kwang if that is the sort of music Rich Homie Kwang does. I don’t know what he or she sings. I am just guessing here that it is a rich baritone or a rich alto or something.

I swear this guy has to be making chicken-sex music. No other explanation is possible

I swear this guy has to be making chicken-sex music. No other explanation is possible

You don’t need mood music or lighting. Just make sure that the lady chicken has a couple of seconds to spare and the dude chicken will take care of the rest.

In a couple of weeks you will find eggs emerging from her bum. You are going to eat these.

Eggs are pale pink ovoids made of a delicate shell material which should not upset you. The fragility of the egg is not an impediment because you will not need it unbroken for long.

Smash that muthafucka open and spill whats inside out.

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BUT FIRST

 

You need a chapati.
What is a chapatti? Well, a disc of fried flour.

It is very simple to make. Just get a pan.

Put some cooking oil in the pan.

Heat it up

Heat it up

Hot.

Hot hot!

HOT! HOT!

BEYONCE! BEYONCE!

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Now smack some wet flour until it is shaped like a really giant coin (It might help to imagine that the flour is the face of that asshole Henry Segawa who is such a snake bastard and I swear if you ever see him again this is what you will do to his smug face… take that emotion and pound the flour until it is flat coin)

Put it on the pan. In 2 minutes it will magically convert into something delicious that we call a chapati.

or a chapat. Depending on which school.

You now need to combine the two elements. The chapati and the undeveloped chicken embryo, which, by the way, you have to now subject to brutalisation by heat.

Burn! Burn! Burn!

Heat! Heat!

BEYOOOONCEEEE!!!

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You now have the basic rolex, but do not congratulate yourself yet. You need to add what we call supplements. Eg, tomato (a vegatable) onioin (an aromatic bulb) salt (obviously) and strips of grilled chicken flesh (a sick sense of humour)

When this is done, roll it up like a blunt. That is a rolex.

Cos it’s made when you roll eggs. See?

Welcome to Uganda. We rock.

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