How To Instagram Properly Like A Grown Up

Most of us use Instagram to follow our friends and family, so as to keep up to date on what their faces are like on a daily basis. Such people, sorry, but no. You are not doing Instagram properly.

God did not give you a smartphone for that. Instagram has a lot more to offer you, as a viewer of smartphone screen, a lot more to help you make the most of that bundle you just got from Anita the Airtel chick, who sold you a one K strip and asked you if she should squash it.

You said yes. Squash it.

Because that never gets old.

 Now you have 100MB, let me teach you how to Instagram properly.

 Follow hot chicks. Do you like the sight of attractive women? Do you enjoy looking at such? Well, on Instagram, you can find several women who are not just hot but also vain, and that combination leads them to regularly take high-def pictures of themselves in optimum light conditions and often with more make up than clothes on. They post these photos so that you, yes, you, thirsty lad, can stare at them so that your admiration can feed the hollow space in their lives.


Forget the reasons why it won’t work! Focus on the one reason why it must work

A photo posted by The REAL KING (@lilythegenie) on


Post Your Pix as Hot Chicks: Do you sometimes suffer feelings of low self esteem? Do you worry about what you are worth as a person? Banish such thoughts using the lustful gaze of random strangers on social media by posting pictures of yourself in sexy poses accompanied by unrelated inspirational quotes!

 Warning: Remember that when you follow hot chicks on Instagram, control yourself. Do NOT EVER like more than fifteen photos in a row. Have some self respect.



Now, let us get more practical.

Follow TV Shows. My favourite TV shows, also known as series, or to some of you, “a sirry” because proper English is like the grated cabbage on a plate of chips– available but of no use or interest whatsoever– are favourite ones because they know how to do cinematography, which is the science of making things that look good. So you have scenes and poses and facial expressions and stuff that looks good.


My persona favourites are The Daily Show with Trevor Noah, Late Night With Seth Meyers, SNL, The Muppets, and now Beneath The Lies.

Trevor dismisses the idea that it’s either one or the other.

A photo posted by The Daily Show (@thedailyshow) on

Now I want to look for more, but I fear spoilers and I am way behind on every “sirry” (I am just trying out the term to see if it… no, it doesn’t. My fingers are now hurting.

Do you like Grey’s Anatomy?


Do you like

You’re not a hero. You’re a murderer, Kevin. #JessicaJones #Netflix #Marvel #DavidTennant #kilgrave

A video posted by Jessica Jones (@marvelsjessicajones) on


I like Jessica Jones because of Jessica Jones being the coolest and because of the show. Their instagram account is very artsy and dark.




When you accidentally text the wrong person. #GreysAnatomy

A video posted by Grey’s Anatomy Official (@greysabc) on

On Grey’s Anatomy you can relive your favourite moments or have your season spoiled before you watch it.

Reunited and it’s a big surprise. #Gotham

A video posted by Gotham (@gothamonfox) on

Gotham is killing my batteries right now. Love that show.

Game Of Thrones is very much publicity and merchandise and promo, though.

35 days. “Find who did that and bring him to me.” #GoT50

A photo posted by gameofthrones (@gameofthrones) on