How to Have A Nice Car. Not Get, Or Drive, Have

Today’s lesson is how to have a  nice car.

Because the education system in Uganda is a shambles. A shambles!


People come out of UPE when they can’t spell. People come out of university when they can’t reason. Then they come out of driving school and they still lack the basic capacity and fundamental understanding of how to own a nice car.

No, I don’t mean they don’t know how to drive a car. I mean how to have a car. And a nice car at that.

I don’t mean how to get a nice car. I can’t teach you that because I don’t condone corruption. And I barely condone parliament, which is the only other way I can think of getting a nice car.

And I don’t mean any car. A nice car. As in… okay, some would say an expensive car, but that is misleading. All cars are expensive. You keep paying for those summitches even after you are done buying them. You pay Shell to drive the car, and then when you reach where you are going and stop driving, you continue paying. To multiplex.

All cars are expensive. But there are those that go above and beyond. They are supra-expensive. Above, further, ultra.


Like a BMW X6, Or a Mercedes… or …. No, not a Progres. The jury is still delibarating on that one. No, not a Rav 4, Prado, Pajero, and certainly not an Ipsum. Ipsum is like a boda. Gerrarahere.

Nice car is a big, fancy, shiny, opulent, ostentatious vehicle, one that is not simply a transport machine. You can get from Kyaliwajjala to the beach in Ebbs just as effectively in a Duet, so if you do it in an Mercedes GLK, what is the difference?


The difference is that with an GLK the masses on the roadside react with more energy and gusto. They eh-mama and omg and you-come-and-see and dis-boy-she-have-a-beema-dabbulyu and drool. That is the difference.

You pay for, wash, service, fuel and drive all the extra machinery above basic Duet volume for the purpose of inciting admiration.


It is so the women you drive past say:


How sexy the driver must be, regardless of his physical appearance. Bulging pot, kaweke, yellow eyeballs and less penistitude than is typical for an African? It doesn’t matter. Having a car like that  places him on the same level as a dancer in a Nigerian rap video. I would loosen my bra and knickers for him if he would slow down and give me the opportunity.


and the men you drive past say:

restroom-304984_640What a bewildering mix of envy and admiration I feel as this car zooms past. I want to hate the driver but I also want to admit that he is a greater human being than me. I want to despise him, but I also want to elevate him to the status of Avengers like Tony and Steve Rogers. You know what? I give up on the hating. Let me just admire. Wow.


Hello, Women who drive nice cars, the windows are usually tinted so the road users don’t know it is you. They assume it is some middle-aged dude: an NRM bigwig or a kikuubo hustler who laundered money for DRC gold-smugglers.

So now that you have the car, how do you have it properly and not insufficiently?

You are having it right until you do something stupid like:


  • Trying to overtake a line of eight cars because you feel you are too precious to wait and  traffic jams are not for someone as wonderful and amazing as you.
  • Driving with full beam headlights into oncoming traffic. (This is the equivalent, for the non-driving readers, to the guy who sits next to you in the taxi and chews loudly. Especially if it is bananas being chewed. That level of being a douchebag)
  • Double Parking (This is the equivalent, for the non-driving readers, to the chap who sits in the taxi and puts their bag next to them on the seat between the two of you and then expects you to pay full fare nevertheless)
  • Generally moving along the road like a dipshit moral turd that broke vital mental mechanics years ago and never got repairs now just goes along with incomplete thinking that is stupid.


In such cases, there is no admiration

You wasted the money you used on that car.

You might as well have spent that money on a donkey instead of an X6 and then, instead of riding the donkey, strapped the donkey on your back and carried it yourself up and down the road, all the while singing Tubonga Nawe. You will get more admiration that way.

If you are driving a nice car badly, there will be no:

  • Envy
  • Admiration
  • Lust
  • Love
  • Awe
  • Celebration

Instead they will say:


  • Mbuzi
  • Idiot
  • Fool
  • Toombaff
  • Waste of all the poor mother’s time
  • Non-washer of hands prior to leaving toilet
  • In all likelihood defiler as well
  • These illiterates who chewed Crime Preventer money

and so on so forth.

Meanwhile, has anyone told you you are sweet? Not as sweet as oreo buttercookie cupcakes, man! Even I am not as sweet as Creme De La Creme. Check this out.



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