In Uganda today, when unemployment among youth without jobs currently stands at absolutely 100 per cent (we pause for a moment to let the slow ones catch up) we must look beyond the obvious solutions to the issues surrounding penetration of the job market. Or we just have to use Chick Power. As in the power you get by being a hot chick. Like Meagan.
1: Remember, it’s not rocket science. Unless you are applying for a job as a rocket scientist
2: Be hot. But remember, “hot” is relative. There is a manager of an export firm in town who says Jessica Alba looks like a spider to him. Meanwhile, there is another guy who would not only give Chance Nalubega a job just for being there, he would even resign and give her his own job.
3: Dress up in lesos and get some groundnuts and sit outside the firm. Make sure the groundnuts suck and air has passed through them people don’t over-disturb you by trying to buy them. You are not here to sell gnuts, you are here to scope out the joint.
4: You are looking for two things:
a) Check out the men. No, not the real big bosses. Those ones fire, they don’t hire. Look for the middle-management social climber wannabes who have no morals, peku you can see they changed the sticker of the football team on their car window when the team lost.
b) Now check out the bu small newly hired chicks. If many of them are double-parking their vitzes and throwing gum out of the windows and talking on the phone while driving then you know that you have picked the right firm. Such people have low morals and low intelligence and were probably hired just for their looks.
5: Hurry before the miniskirt bill is passed.
6: Change your name to something suggestive and sexy. Name yourself after a kind of perfume. Not a singer. Never name yourself after a pop singer if you want to be taken seriously when you seduce someone.
7: Have really awesome legs and or great cleavage.
8: If you have neither of these, find a friend who does and get them to teach you.
9: Read Ernest Bazanye’s Bad Idea, listen to the X-It with KK, listen to XAM a lot. Especially just before the interview. Then whenever the interviewer cracks a stale joke remember something Baz or Libolo said and laugh and laugh and laugh. Tell him you cannot wait to work for a boss as hilarious as him.
10: Dance around the office like the chicks in the video for Jennifer Hudson’s Act Like A Woman, Think Like a man (Feat. Ne-Yo) He will sign the paper. I swear.
11: No, you don’t have to have sex with him. He will sign.
12: Unless you want to have sex with him, in which case, that’s your issue. Workplace relationships.