How To Eat Kampala Restaurant Week

Kampala Restaurant Week is up next in the schedule of things we do with our lives that give us fulfilment and satisfaction.
So love didn’t quite work out, and even after sweating for that Urban Planning degree you still ended up a cashier in an arcade.  That doesn’t mean there will be no fulfilment in life. This sort of thing happens when you go into stuff all expectations and no preparation.
I mean, the guy’s own wife is just a friend with benefits and you thought he would commit to you?
I mean, why didn’t you do a course in Social Media Propagandeering instead? Then you would get a job surely. FDC needs someone to do that for them really bad.


The battle is won by the best prepared, not just the strongest. So you need to be ready. Are you ready?

Let me help you. Presenting : How To Kampala Restaurant Week successfully.
Tell Roland the Rolex Seeker bye bye. Say “See you next week”. Develop airs around him. Tell Kim the Kikomando brewer that you are unavailable for the near future. Tell Kaitlyn the katogo mixer not to bother you.
Get your affairs in order. For the next seven days you don’t know those things.


Draw up a roster. Last time you just wandered around in and out of restaurants and as a result everyone in your whatsapp group did better. This here is a complex and intricate undertaking. It’s not just about food. It’s about said food in a broader socio political context. You don’t want to take Frida the Friend-Zoner to Bistro on the same day her crush is there solos. Then she tells him “come and join us.” and you end up drinking too much pinot.


Organise your friends and dates with care. Take Frida to Yujo. Cos we all know Marcus doesn’t go to places which don’t serve ribs.

Budget. You don’t go to the rally without a full tank. Now let’s see… the Yaka can go ahead and beep for the next week. Do you really need to hit the salon now? You’ve got hats. And as for multiplex, yeah they will clamp you if you don’t clear your tickets, but only if you park on the streets. You just leave the car in Kira TC and boda to work.

Google Maps covers Kampala quite efficiently. By efficiently I mean quite, not totally, but it is still a better way to locate places than asking joggers on the streets to point with their lips.


Learn how to use chop sticks because why not?

Hydrate. Water is important for proper digestion. Eight glasses a day we are advised. You need your alimentary canal I’m good working condition. We don’t need you farting all over our staff meetings because your enzymes were not ready for the moushaka at Mythos.

Follow celebs on twitter so you can stalk properly. Part of the appeal of such an adventure is spotting all the famous we’d talented personalities we admire from afar. Find out where they are going. Especially Malaika. If she kuvubiikas food you shouldn’t miss it.
Use the toothpicks. But not badly. This business of dangling a toothpick from your maw for two whole hours? Very inelegant and indecorous. Especially if you keep taking it out and pointing at people with it before sticking it back in. No. Use the toothpick for its intended purpose and then dispose of it.

Make sure you have enough data for instagram and snapchat. Some people sneer at the practice or trend of photographing our meals. But now what are we supposed to do when they look nice?
Especially when that is the last moment of beauty they will enjoy. We get started on a meal we begin its inexorable transformation to something ugly. Let your food enjoy its final moment of beauty. Dial *175# and get the bundle from airtel. You need something reliable, quick and neat.

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Okay. That’s my word limit.I can’t write more than 700 because long blog posts get less traffic. Class is adjourned until tomorrow.


Now, hit this link for full list of restaurants and menus and salivate on your keyboard.